By Anne Nickoloff, Editor-in-Chief
Any Buzzfeed quiz will tell you: You know you’re a 90’s kid if
A: You know what the “radio” is
C: Your definition of a horror film was “Smart House”
And if you don’t know those three things, you’re a BIG PHONY.
There should be a fourth thing on this list, too.
D: You’ve seen “Back to the Future Part II” and believed their future predictions
But I can tell you this now. The movie got the important stuff WRONG. And worldwide, all the 90’s kids are united in grief.
We can give it some credit. It got some stuff right; like, two things total:
(1) Holograms. Remember when the “Jaws 19” shark pops out of the advertisement and scares Marty McFly? That’s not nearly as scary as Michael Jackson’s hologram performance/music video of “Slave to the Rhythm,” produced after his death.
(2) Fashion. Specifically, hats. McFly’s silvery hat probably came back in style along with the trucker hat and five-panel hat style state ments. And the 90’s throwback to pastel, shiny colors? Nothing is more 1990 than 2015. But let’s not forget the most important hat in the entire film; Biff’s helmet. Safety’s just as important this year as it’s always been, and just as fashionable with Biff’s silver-painted spiky helmet in the film.
Okay, so those were two things the movie got right. *weak applause* But when 2015 rolled around, it wasn’t the same as “Back to the Future Part II” in the most important ways. I was mad. I was upset. How could director Robert Zemeckis toy with our hearts like this? It wasn’t fair.
I have one word for you. But first, let me explain: as a kid, you take this stuff seriously. You think, “Oh, if this movie is portraying what it’s gonna be like in 2015, then at least some of these things will be true. Things like, I don’t know, the Cubs winning. What the heck is that supposed to mean? What? Cubbies? What?”
But we’ll get to the real meat of this situation. The real disgrace against society. The real problem.
The most intense scenes in the movie involved the invention, whether they were attached to scooters or cars or, most often, ridden like skateboards. This movie might as well have been called “Hoverboard II,” because even then it still would have been one of the highest grossing films. Because people went to the theater to see only the hoverboards, damn it.
I am not okay with the lies Zemeckis told for the sake of manipulating viewers into seeing this film. If you just Google “do hoverboards exist yet” you’ll find a bunch of fakes; Hendo’s hoverboard, tested by Tony Hawk, is like, half an inch off the ground. What? “Hoverboard?” What?
That’s not a hoverboard. It’s a step in the right direction, but it’s 2015. This is treason. “Back to the Future Part II” should be banned from children until the invention exists and can actually skate over water, or over stairs, or in the sky.
Final verdict: “Back to the Future Part II,” how about you go back to 1955 and just STOP already.