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2014 End of the Year Political Review

By Sabanrab Bocaj

This past year has been quite a time for political drama.

The controversy over the cyber-attacks on Sony Pictures came to a head when hackers levied threats of terrorism on theaters that were to screen the film “The Interview,” which depicts the assassination of supreme North Korean leader, Kim Jong Un. The FBI publicly accused the government of North Korea as the culprit of these attacks. Allegedly, parts of the virus code were recycled from previous attacks on South Korea by the North.

While Kim Jong Un denies involvement, President Barack Obama reportedly “promised retaliation” against North Korea, after which the nation experienced a significant Internet outage. Most of the resulting outrage was likely due to the fact that the Americans would unquestionably lose a cyberwar against any Asian population. One North Korean official made racially offensive comments about President Obama, while another asked what the “Internet” is. Based on the testimony of defectors, Kim supposedly uses the latest dial-up technology from the 1990s.

President Obama did not confirm whether U.S. operatives were responsible for the outage, or whether he purposefully made a telephone call to Kim. He did announce a step towards retaliation: The FBI has partnered with Comcast to offer a broadband Internet package to North Korea, though some have deemed it excessively hostile. One Reddit user stated, “That’d be considered an act of war. Pretty inhumane, too…just plain evil.”

Following successful negotiations with Comcast, the President struck a deal with the company that he would relinquish his support for net neutrality in exchange for an immediate Internet fast lane to healthcare.gov. Comcast has promised that customers will have slower connections to other sites until they sign up for health insurance. Reports say Senator Ted Cruz both gloated and facepalmed at word of the development.

In other news, King Juan Carlos I of Spain, who abdicated from the throne in June 2014, was seen relaxing at what appeared to be a secret luxurious retirement home near Miami, Florida. He was with fellow former monarchs Pope Benedict XVIQueen Beatrix of the Netherlands, and King Albert II of Belgium. Miami residents became suspicious when all the fine wine in the area was bought up and shipped to the same location.

The aged sovereigns reportedly arrived via yacht without valid visas but could not be deported, to the disappointment of local connoisseurs. Due to immigration reform, they have now also been offered a path to U.S. citizenship.

In the midterm elections in November, Republicans won a majority in the House and Senate, most likely due to the raging success of the “Republicans Are People, Too” campaign in Sept. 2014. The ad campaign included statements like “Republicans have feelings” and “Republicans are people who care,” as well as “Republicans have free candy” and “Republicans are everywhere, resistance is futile.”

Many voters were surprised to learn that Republicans make New Year’s resolutions they can’t keep and are not, in fact, not scaly lizards wearing human skin. The shock was so great that many marked Republican candidates on their bulletins simply out of dumbfoundedness.

In late December, the government of Cuba took advantage of renewed international relations with the United States to release documents detailing the fate of every plane, ship and person who has disappeared in the Bermuda Triangle. Many of these began to wash up on Cuban shores in the 1960s due to a previously undiscovered oceanic undercurrent in the Triangle. The documents recorded that most survivors are living peacefully at a coastal resort, as Cuban officials were unable to properly communicate with the United States about helping them to return.

With all the wild stories from the past year, 2015 opens up new horizons for Americans and citizens of the world alike.

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