11111 Euclid Avenue, Cleveland OH 44106

Millions to Leave Country if Trump is Elected

Paul Palumbo

56.4 percent of all Americans would consider leaving the country if Donald J. Trump was elected president, a new study from the Center of Mass Human Migration finds. Even more shocking, 30.1 percent of citizens have already planned their route and destination and are now merely waiting for that fateful day in November before they ship off.

“Personally, I’m scared of a Trump Presidency,” says one Rebecca Runn, a local business owner. “Do we really want a president whose Wikipedia page has ‘politician’ written after ‘Television Personality’? I hear Canada is really nice this time of year. And every time of year.”

Others, such as Cleveland resident Francisco Franklin, have different ideas. “I hate the idea of a Trump presidency, but I really like my house. I’ve got a pretty good plot of land, so here’s what I’m going to do: I’m going to declare my house as a separate country, ruled by nobody but me. And then I’ll build a wall to keep Donald Trump out.” When asked whether that would be a wall or just a “fence,” Francisco declined to comment.

What about the other 43.6 percent of Americans? As Hanna Guiery put it, “This is exactly what we wanted when we elected Trump. If people leave, there will be more jobs for the rest of us. And I won’t have to wait next time I want Mitchell’s; there will be nobody in lines anymore. If this country really needed anything, it’s that half of the population just get up and leave.”

While The Athenian failed to get a statement from The Don himself, one of his campaign managers had this to say:

“A common misconception is that the wall’s primary purpose will be to keep Mexicans in Mexico. Its true purpose is to ensure the complete halt of immigration of any kind. The Mexicans will stay in Mexico. The Americans will stay in the United States. The Canadians will just do their own thing because really there’s no controlling those people. People say they have plans to get out of the country once Trump gets elected? I’d like to see them try.” The campaign manager, who seemed serious about his threat to sue us if we printed his name, then proceeded to cackle for several whole minutes before choking on his enchilada.

Will a sudden decrease in the U.S. population have significant impact on our industries? Will Trump wall off the entire country? These questions are at the forefront of political conversation as the election draws closer to its unsettling conclusion.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *