50 reasons why I’m breaking up with CWRU

… from a graduating senior.

To put it simply, CWRU, things are just not working out. This is my list of why I’m dumping you:

1. Your solution to subzero temperatures is extra Greenies, but you forget to add shuttles to an entire residential village.
2. You don’t see the problem with having an exam by the third week/seventh day of class.
3. There is an incredible lack of good tea on campus.
4. Cargo shorts.
5. You think that two sets of 20 problems each isn’t excessive for weekly assignments.
6. I should only be up all night partying on weekends, not studying and doing homework.
7. We have a Denny’s “All-Nighter” on campus, yet I frequently find myself driving ten minutes to iHOP because Denny’s is closed by 2.
8. I’ve lost track of how many times I’ve had to reset my campus password this year.
9. It’s easier to call myself a guest than get on CaseWireless.
10. I have nine wireless access points in one classroom, yet if I take two steps outside I might as well be leaving the country.
11. Grabbing a small bite on campus shouldn’t cost me an average of $10.
12. There’s a gross discrepancy on how much food one meal swipe should be worth. I think the average was 13 dollars, and most of the time it’s for a cup of apple juice.
13. Case Secrets’ sudden disappearance.
14. We clearly can’t agree on how much a dorm room couch is worth.
15. We also can’t figure out how much the dorm keys are worth, either.
16. I prefer walking around without the hive mind blocking every sidewalk.
17. I feel like I’m just one of over 5,000 to you. 10,000 if you count the ones that came for a round two of torture.
18. You’re way more focused on your faculty than your students.
19. I’m too busy looking at KSL books from 1984 to enjoy the new university center.
20. You ask more of my bank every year, yet don’t seem concerned when I’m living off stale bread and the occasional cracker.
21. Finals week is just a fancy way of saying help.
22. $4.99 vodka is starting to taste good.
23. Pabst Blue Ribbon actually noticed when sales in this area declined.
24. PBR and Natty Light are staples of a Village party.
25. I’m convinced CWRU Alerts’ email generator has been stuck on repeat for about two years.
26. Grading curves shouldn’t be made out of students’ tears.
27. All nearby businesses close right when I need to get out of the house.
28. Somehow it’s acceptable to you that I have to ask Access Services for access to a building more than once, and then I suddenly have no access to any buildings at all.
29. There are those awkward as hell frat parties that make me wish we were closer to Ohio University.
30. You designed the elephant stairs for a Sumerian god.
31. We have a LARP club?
32. I think the Bible study group secretly hates me.
33. I use the Euclid Gun Count to keep track of time.
34. The squirrels on campus weigh more than I do.
35. You think watching a professor try to get the projector working is fun.
36. You think that it’s acceptable that every professor only knows one font, and it’s name is Comic Sans.
37. iClickers.
38. You allowed a Barnes & Noble to exist that has three shelves of literature and sixteen racks of CWRU branding.
39. Freshman wear said CWRU branding.
40. No one has any idea of how Humans vs Zombies should be played.
41. Any Greenie going through the commuter lot is guaranteed to give me vertigo.
42. I wait outside for an hour and Safe Ride won’t show up; walk inside to pick up another jacket and they’ll leave you behind.
43. Your taste in sculpture makes me think it was designed by a CIA dropout.
44. I shouldn’t have to evacuate my bed at 3 a.m. because someone else couldn’t cook microwave popcorn.
45. This monthly “Pepsi shortage” is killing me.
46. Your library is open more than any campus restaurant.
47. You actually had a problem with freshman crawling on top of dorm buildings.
48. Every time I see sidewalk chalk, I look for typos… and I’m guaranteed to find one.
49. Google Syria, Kony2012, and Uplifting Post-it® were the strongest forms of activism on campus.
50. Bon Appétit.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *