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A capitalist’s guide to winning

Jack Donaghy

When you are as successful as me, the Chairman of General Electric, the government will attempt to rip millions of dollars away from you in the name of “infrastructural upkeep” or some other liberal dog and pony show, and the only way to respond is by doing several things in the name of charity. Which is why I, Jack Donaghy, am gracing the pages of The Athenian with my guide for success.

  • Always wear a suit, and a tuxedo: Did Alexander the Great take over the world in a T-shirt and slacks? No. You need a suit. It’s the only way anyone worth knowing will take you seriously. No skinny tie nonsense.
  • Find yourself a mentor: Sadly, I’m taken by the god-awful Liz Lemon, but you should find someone in the likes of true American patriots like John D. Rockefeller, Henry Ford or the inventors of Twinkies. Anyone with questionable morals, and willing to sacrifice the greater good for the most American thing of all: capitalism, will more than fit the bill here.
  • Cast aside human empathy: Emotion is only a hindrance in this case. The business world is a dog eat dog world, with the occasional woman or minority. The more “emotions” you use the less money you’ll have.
  • Trust no one: There is nothing on this earth more paranoid and ruthless than the American business man. You need to be 10 steps ahead at all times, with a golden idea.

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