A college breakup: Why it was never meant to be

Transcribed by John Rambo

As this Athenian reporter sat down to take a lunch break in Leutner dining hall in the week before this issue, an impromptu interview of sorts presented itself. (And by interview, we mean a phone call eavesdropping session.) The caller wasn’t aware of the avid notes being taken during her phone call, but later noted that she didn’t mind us publishing the one-sided conversation, as long as she and her (hopefully still) ex-boyfriend remained anonymous. Thus, here, we present: A college breakup.

“It just wasn’t meant to be.”
“…I mean really wasn’t meant to be.”
“Like we just never clicked, you know?”
“It’s not that you’re not a nice guy. Maybe you’re a little too nice, actually. Not that you should change!”
“It’s not you, it’s… well, you know the rest.”
“We’re probably better off as friends. We can be friends, right?”
“That’s good to know. I don’t want you to be upset.”
“Next weekend? The movies with just you? I’m not sure. I think that would be weird.”
“Hey, hey, it’s okay. I mean, I’ll see you around.”
“Yeah, just around.”
“When I see you, don’t do that thing.”
“That thing. The thing where you hit on everyone?”
“Yes, hit on all my friends.”
“Especially Alexa.”
“Of course that bothered me. Why wouldn’t that bother me? She’s my best friend.”
“Stop talking about free love.”
“Whatever. Okay, take care of yourself!”
“It’s just a thing people say.”
“No, not like ‘meet me in the bathroom in ten minutes.’”
“Because normal people don’t say that.”
“You’re not abnormal, but you’re not… not in a bad way.”
“No, this isn’t about that weekend at my parents’ house.”
“They did like you!”
“No, they didn’t mind about the van. It was an old car, it’s okay that you totaled it. They were probably more upset with the whole cocaine thing anyway.”
“It’s a weird thing to bring to your girlfriends’ parents….”
“Crack is not a good housewarming gift. Neither is meth. I don’t think you get it.”
“You shouldn’t bring drugs to Thanksgiving.”
“Wine doesn’t count.”
“Because alcohol is legal?”
“I don’t care if my grandma was polite about it. She’s a nice lady.”
“What do you mean, you know that? Have you been talking to my grandmother?”
“Who gave you her number?”
“She did not tell you to call her. I really don’t believe that.”
“Who are you texting?”
“My grandmother doesn’t text!”
“Because she’s 83! Even ‘feisty’ 83 year-olds don’t text.”
“’Helen?’ Since when are you on a first name basis?”
“No. Don’t tell her I said hi.”
“Because I can tell her myself.”
“But I do call. Okay, not as often as I should. Don’t make me feel guilty. Ugh, you’ve always done this.”
“Guilt-tripped me! About everything! Like the fish.”
“I know he had a name. Charlie the fish, then. Look, I didn’t kill him on purpose.”
“I didn’t always hate him!”
“It’s a simple mistake. Soap flakes look a lot like fish food. I’m sure it happens all the time.”
“The fish wasn’t ‘the only one who understood you.’”
“Sorry, I mean Charlie.”
“Don’t get upset… I’m sorry I brought it up. I’ll get you a new goldfish, okay?”
“No, I’m not just trying to replace him. I think it would be good for you to have someone to talk to. Someone other than my grandma.”
“Because she’s my relative. I think I get her in the breakup.”
“You want visiting rights? Every weekend?”
“Okay… that’s a little strange, but fine. Oh, and I’d like my microwave back.”
“You could’ve kept Charlie! If he hadn’t died.”
“What kind of fish do you want, by the way?”
“A filet? As a pet?”
“For dinner? What are you talking about?”
“No. I will not get dinner with you this weekend. Or next weekend. I will not get dinner with you at any time.”
“No, not even at a nice restaurant.”
“Especially if you pay.”
“I’m not being unreasonable! You have to admit, ‘dinner’ sounds a lot like a date.”
“Dinner and a movie sounds even more like a date.”
“Well, I know we never did that. We didn’t go on dates. Bowling is not a date. Not after the first six times.”
“I like bowling. It’s fine. I mean I did like bowling, before we went every weekend.”
“I know we did more than bowl. Watching you play “Call of Duty” is also not a date.”
“I was just being polite. It’s pretty boring, really.”
“It’s not that you’re not good; it’s just not entertaining to watch. Not even with your sound effects.”
“Hey, I’m just trying to help. With your next relationship, I guess.”
“No, my grandmother is not single! She’s been married for 60 years! I will not ‘put in a good word for you.’”
“Ugh, fine. I’ll have her ask her friends.”
“You’re welcome. Goodbye.”
“I won’t talk to you later. There is no ‘later’ for us. Goodbye.”
“I’m hanging up now.” *click*

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