11111 Euclid Avenue, Cleveland OH 44106

A Message From Your Friendly Neighborhood Food Deliverer

Paul Palumbo

Can you guys just stop? Seriously, just STOP.
You guys haven’t stopped ordering delivery in like two whole weeks, and honestly I’m just sick of it. Sick of walking through the snow, sick of the tiny tips from you guys (seriously, if I’m going to freeze my ass off delivering your pizzas the least you could do is make it worth my time), and sick of all the hot soup I’ve accidentally spilled on myself.
STOP ORDERING DELIVERY.
This always happens! As soon as it gets the slightest bit cold all you students bundle up and refuse to leave your dorms. I’ve been on the road for eight hours a day for weeks and barely see any of you walking around anymore. The only time I see anybody is when they desperately need some barbecue chicken pizza on the eleventh floor in their building on the other side of campus.
My friend Jerry had to go deliver noodles at 4 a.m. in the morning. 4 a.m.! Who even orders noodles at 4 a.m.? Haven’t you guys ever heard of ramen? Jerry had to traverse the frozen wasteland of Northeast Ohio to deliver noodles at 4 a.m., and he didn’t even get a tip!
Look, I appreciate all of the business, really, I do. We could run this company on just college students and end the day with enough money to buy a small island. But it’s cold and none of us want to go out there either, so suck it up and walk to your food.
Better yet, make your own food! It’s really not that hard!
So please, please, PLEASE, give us a little break!

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