A note from an athlete

Reported by Damsel Kate, investigative writer

To my fellow varsity athletes and other CWRU students who engage in physical activity: if you think the only benefit to working out is keeping up your physical shape, how wrong you are. Several different forms of physical activity have been proven to improve your sex life. Many are even activities that most CWRU students will participate in at some point in their time here.

If you first consider varsity sports at CWRU, the most obvious one we have is wrestling.  Clearly, your inability to feel shame at your scanty outfits will only help increase your confidence in the bedroom.  Secondly, being able to wrestle someone to the ground, and pin them down will definitely win you points with the ladies who like to play rough.  Granted it is usually men who you are wrestling down; however I believe that once the adrenaline takes over, you won’t notice the difference.  If wrestling is not your type of activity, never fear: sports exist for the less confident.

The second sport both varsity athletes and people just trying to stay in shape participate in is running.  Runners have increased endurance due to their strenuous workouts, and are consequently able to continuously exert themselves for long periods of time.  Besides giving you great stamina, running also helps to increase endorphins, and decrease stress levels… both of which will help boost your focus and pleasure in the bedroom.

Yet a third sport to help you get it on, one that is sadly not utilized enough here, is Beach Volleyball.  The men who play this wear only board shorts, leading to extremely tan and buff specimens. Meanwhile, women who play beach volleyball wear bikinis on a regular basis, and also get rather tan.  In both cases, beach volleyball will increase your confidence levels, and get you to take it off faster in the bedroom.  The increase in outdoor physical activity will also boost your vitamin D levels (it’s sadly not a great sport for Cleveland), and make you happier.  And like they say, happy people have more sex.   So let’s get to using those courts at the top of the hill, people.

A well-recognized activity at CWRU is our fencing team.  How, you may be asking, would fencing improve your sex life?  Let me ask you this in return: where else will you learn to handle long and dangerous objects?  You also learn which end to point at someone to get a desired result.  Fencing gives you confidence when handling a weapon, and confidence when approaching a new summit to be climbed.  The increase in adrenaline and quick movements required for this activity will also help you when you get down to business in the bedroom.

Despite its reputation on campus, our last athletic activity tends to combine all of the above into one.  CWRU’s well-known HVZ is one of the most popular CWRU ways to improve sex life.  First, the threat of zombie attack forces everyone to run harder and faster, increasing your endurance.  Then, each participant must become accustomed to handling heavy weaponry, which is a very applicable skill to the bedroom, and lastly the participants have to practice taking off articles of clothing, namely socks to throw at zombies, or even a heavy jacket that might hold you back as you run away.  That skill will definitely help increase confidence levels once you get the pants off.

There are all sorts of ways to increase your sex life here on campus, but remember: in the end it’s all about confidence and knowing how to handle your weapon.

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