To be honest, I’m confused. I’m really not sure where we stand. You’re hot then you’re cold (I prefer cold) and I’m constantly getting mixed signals about our relationship. Let me explain further.
It all started when you discovered me 40 years ago and named me Pluto after the Roman god of the underworld. God of the underworld? Seriously? You couldn’t come up with anything even just a tad nicer? I could have been Dionysus or even Athena. I should have known right from that moment that you would treat me like this. But I digress.
Despite the unfortunate name you bestowed upon me, it was nice to get a little recognition from the blue planet. I especially liked when you named that cute little doggy with the long ears after me and everyone loved and adored him. I thought, hey, maybe this thing with Earth could really work. I started getting excited about our journey together as compatriot planets.
How wrong I was. Then came that fateful day in 2005 when you decided to demote me to dwarf planet status. I still remember the formal letter I received announcing my demotion. I was shocked to discover I no longer received invitations to annual planet lunches (it’s not really my fault that I was always a few years late!) and when I was wasn’t invited to be in the holiday card. I didn’t even get a holiday card. I bet every other planet in the galaxy did.
After not hearing from you for 10 years, imagine my surprise when I saw a UFO flying near me and realized that it was from none other than my former colleague, Earth! At first I was furious that you would have the audacity to come out after you so unabashedly demoted me. But as you can see from your spacecraft pictures, I am doing extremely well for myself. I’ve noticed your awe at my beautiful ice mountains and unpolluted spacious plains. And as you might have guessed, Charon and I have become quite close. It’s nice to know that someone in this solar system appreciates me.
In summary, one day you’re demoting me of planet status and the next you’re sending mysterious spacecrafts to take covert pictures of me and get to know me better. As you can see, this is quite confusing. Look, I’ve been around years before you found me, and I’m getting older. I need some stability in my life. I’m not sure if our relationship is worth this emotional roller coaster, but I’m willing to work on it. We’ll have to share the sun for at least the next millennia or so, so we may as well be friends.
P.S. I’ll take “god of the underworld” over a name that literally means “ground.”