Every university has its dark secrets. Harvard has grade inflation, Illinois has nepotism and Duke has every single one of its sports teams. Case Western Reserve University, however, is an exception to the rule. We don’t have one scandal; we have, due to the special kind of nerd that is our average student, about a million.
CWRU scandals usually have the potential to be amusing, if not examples of the kind of downright genius that requires a tin helmet. Here, for your perusal, are 10 of this year’s most memorable incidents, in order from least to most scandalous.
10. Someone who found themselves unimpressed by the beauty of our campus released the kraken. They promptly got bored, turned around and swam around the Great Lakes until they reached the University of Chicago. The culprit for the event is both looked at as a hero and a wanted figure.
9. Faculty joined the fall semester’s game of Humans vs. Zombies—and won. Their victory, however, was by technical knockout and is still highly contested, as they stockpiled themselves with chemical weapons and barricaded themselves in Morley until victory was declared in their favor. Polls show that students are still angry, but classes from those professors who spent a memorable two weeks in Morley’s halls have never been more interesting—or less comprehensible.
8. Babs’s house got egged on Beggars’ Night, and, in revenge, she promptly took her house off Google Maps. Now anyone who cares to search for her listing will find only a suspicious-looking pixelated blob, which will induce epileptic seizures if you look at it for too long.
7. A group of overzealous students started an Occupy CWRU movement, apparently not knowing that the popularity of the Occupy movement at large had waned a year ago. While nothing was achieved, the University Circle stretch of Euclid Avenue shut down for a few weeks, except for the occasional bikers zipping by. No one is sure if that had to do with the protest or not.
6. The Observer started a turf war with The New York Times over use of CWRU’s image. As a result, the Times can no longer run stories about CWRU without getting campus-wide permission, just in case they’re going to mock us.
5. The Spartan was found in flagrante delicto with The Tartan, Carnegie Mellon University’s mascot. In retaliation, both mascots were stoned. Debris from said marijuana bombs can still be found all over campus.
4. In a shocking turn of events, human flesh was found in Denny’s delicious burgers. Students have called for the restaurant to be shut down, but as there’s absolutely nowhere else to go on campus for food at late-night hours, the administration is dawdling.
3. The Tinkham Veale University Center.
2. Panera has decided to move “to greener pastures” in an attempt to rehabilitate its image after two years at CWRU, giving notice only a week ago. The official administrative statement on this matter, released yesterday, is a succinct, “Screw that, I’m going to Mitchell’s.”
1. The flower vendor on Euclid has been replaced by one Morty the Mugger. Nobody knows how he got the job, but prices are the lowest they’ve ever been. The free gun that he hands out with every purchase, however, has been deemed “unnecessary.”