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Apple and Samsung escalate conflict

Reported by Kyle Berkowitz

After several decades of legal battles arising from frustratingly inconsistent copyright laws on Earth, Samsung and Apple have taken matters into their own hands. Each corporation calculated that it would be cheaper and faster to settle their quarrel outside of the legal system. Both companies have expressed regret and disappointment that after so much litigation, the courts have yet to reach a conclusion.

Leaders of both organizations remained civil and just sane enough to agree that a battle, fought by robots of each company’s design, would best resolve the dispute.

The only stipulated rule was that there would be no rules.

The battle began on April 25, 2032.

Samsung, innovative and practical, designed a mediocre, unsexy, unimpressive bipedal robot capable of concealing itself as a 1995 Toyota Corolla.

Apple, smart and strategic, stole the designs for Samsung’s Corolla-bot and redesigned the beast as a sleek, hip quadruped which could disguise itself as an Audi R8.

Apple allowed Samsung one free strike after its R8-bot tried to use Apple Maps to reach the battlefield delaying the onset of battle to five days later than originally planned. To no one’s surprise, the inaccuracy of Maps remains an issue for all Apple products. When both robots arrived, however, the battle lasted a mere five minutes.

Samsung, predicting its opponent’s plan to steal any designs, purposefully allowed the designs for the crappy Toyota Corolla attack robot to fall into Apple’s hands. Samsung’s actual robot was not a transformer at all.

Samsung officials clarified their reasoning for deciding against a transforming robot: “That’s stupid.” Samsung’s actual robot was capable of flight and armed with the best North Korean miniature nukes an enslaved child could make.

Despite the one-sided battle, Apple had obviously put a lot of effort into re-designing the Corolla-bot to be as sexy as possible. Unfortunately, the Corolla-bot retained many fatal design flaws because Apple had neglected to redesign any of the vital systems. Somehow under the impression that the battle would be a fist fight between two transformer bots, the R8-bot was equipped only with mechanical paws. In quick order, Samsung’s robot obliterated the competition.

When the fight ended, the result left both participants unsatisfied. Apple held up its end of the agreement and ceased all copyright infringement claims. The company has also begun to pay the royalties it owes for all of the company’s past and current thefts. Fortunately for Apple, the tech giant announced that they have received a sizeable defense contract for one thousand of the R8-bots because Congress agreed that they looked cool. While an official figure has not been made public, the contract is rumored to be more than enough to cover the price of stealing anything they wanted from Samsung.

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