Area man claims every speeding ticket that he gets is his first

cHARLES lI

Letter to the Editor on Police Unfairness,

The Police are so unfair!  I was late to an exam and went slightly over the speed limit [Editor’s note: He went 67 mph at a 45 mph road]. Guess what happened? The first time, ever, that I went over the speed limit, for a legitimate reason, I saw the flashing lights. This dumb-faced bloke pulled me over and slapped me with my first speeding ticket [Editor’s note: Fifth, actually].

I bet he had to exercise his authority some time, because based on his dumb face, his wife definitely cheats on the guy, and he knows it [Editor’s note: That is not true]. But instead of confronting his issues, he just pushes it on someone like me. It was my first offense! He probably arrests jay walkers too [Editor’s note: He has not].  But probably not litterers, because I bet he approves. I can see it in the way he leaves the left side of his uniform untucked. Probably has a pocket full of junk he drops off every once in awhile and hopes no one notices. Meanwhile, he gets to tighten the screws on a first time speeder.

I wouldn’t have to speed either, if the exam was scheduled for a reasonable time [Editor’s note: It was scheduled for 12:30]. The Prof just has it out for us, because he doesn’t want us to graduate and take his job. Well buddy, I can see through your scheme. It’s definitely the first time I woke later than planned. If only the alarm I set went off like it’s supposed to. I bet one of my dorm mates turned it off to screw with me. I definitely would have woken up on time if they didn’t. It’s like everyone’s out to get me!

My life is ruined because of these people! I’m just a poor college student, I can’t pay this million dollar ticket! [Editor’s note: It was actually $25.] The police are corrupt, and I can’t pay them off either. I’ll get thrown into prison to rot! I can see it now, the other prisoners all tough and hardcore. LikeOrange is the New Black.” Then they ask me how I got in and I say “I couldn’t pay a ticket for the first time I went over the speed limit” and no one will take me seriously. I’ll be at the bottom of the totem pole cleaning up everyone else’s junk. And all this because I went over the speed limit, for my first and only time!

I guess I’ll just have to speed more often now, since it won’t make a difference either way. Besides, if I go fast enough I might avoid getting another ticket, or having to turn in my final paper, which I definitely would have finished by now.

Signed

First Time Victim, Not My Fault!

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