11111 Euclid Avenue, Cleveland OH 44106

Area man claims every speeding ticket that he gets is his first

cHARLES lI

Letter to the Editor on Police Unfairness,

The Police are so unfair!  I was late to an exam and went slightly over the speed limit [Editor’s note: He went 67 mph at a 45 mph road]. Guess what happened? The first time, ever, that I went over the speed limit, for a legitimate reason, I saw the flashing lights. This dumb-faced bloke pulled me over and slapped me with my first speeding ticket [Editor’s note: Fifth, actually].

I bet he had to exercise his authority some time, because based on his dumb face, his wife definitely cheats on the guy, and he knows it [Editor’s note: That is not true]. But instead of confronting his issues, he just pushes it on someone like me. It was my first offense! He probably arrests jay walkers too [Editor’s note: He has not].  But probably not litterers, because I bet he approves. I can see it in the way he leaves the left side of his uniform untucked. Probably has a pocket full of junk he drops off every once in awhile and hopes no one notices. Meanwhile, he gets to tighten the screws on a first time speeder.

I wouldn’t have to speed either, if the exam was scheduled for a reasonable time [Editor’s note: It was scheduled for 12:30]. The Prof just has it out for us, because he doesn’t want us to graduate and take his job. Well buddy, I can see through your scheme. It’s definitely the first time I woke later than planned. If only the alarm I set went off like it’s supposed to. I bet one of my dorm mates turned it off to screw with me. I definitely would have woken up on time if they didn’t. It’s like everyone’s out to get me!

My life is ruined because of these people! I’m just a poor college student, I can’t pay this million dollar ticket! [Editor’s note: It was actually $25.] The police are corrupt, and I can’t pay them off either. I’ll get thrown into prison to rot! I can see it now, the other prisoners all tough and hardcore. LikeOrange is the New Black.” Then they ask me how I got in and I say “I couldn’t pay a ticket for the first time I went over the speed limit” and no one will take me seriously. I’ll be at the bottom of the totem pole cleaning up everyone else’s junk. And all this because I went over the speed limit, for my first and only time!

I guess I’ll just have to speed more often now, since it won’t make a difference either way. Besides, if I go fast enough I might avoid getting another ticket, or having to turn in my final paper, which I definitely would have finished by now.

Signed

First Time Victim, Not My Fault!

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