Athenian Classifieds: Free & For Sale Page

By Paul Palumbo

• Netflix. Don’t have an account? Rent mine! Available for a rate of $10 a month, includes full access to all shows and movies.
• Time Machine. Only goes back to April 11, 1954. Witness the staggeringly remarkable events of April 11, 1954 as many times as you want, in person!
• Searching for lab “assistants.” Gain valuable lab experience and potential radiation-induced superpowers! Must be willing to “actively perform” in experimentation process.
• Human skull. Perfect for medical demonstrations and satanic rituals. Might be real or fake, depending on who’s asking.
• Chemistry textbook. Almost new condition, missing a few pages. Specifically pages 4-537 are missing, but the rest of it is in great condition.
• Wanted: Somebody willing to carry me to class. I don’t care how, but I’m sick and tired of walking everywhere. I walk like eight miles a day, this is getting ridiculous.
• Modified nerf gun. Altered to increase the speed at which bullets are fired. Friction causes bullets to catch fire upon ejection, purchase with caution.
• Calculator, slightly used. Most buttons don’t work, but likely fixable by somebody who knows that sort of thing. Contact Orville Dentrum with offers.
• Time Machine. Only goes back to April 11, 1954.
• Ranger 459 bicycle, used. Does not come with wheels. Frame also not included. Handlebars purchased separately. Horn available for extra cost.
• Unhappy with the current state of the government? Looking to change the world? Contact Bethany Revolute to join “Sic Semper Ty,” a “frat” focused on public intervention in government.
• Selling Substitute. Don’t feel like coming to class? Hire the substitute! For a low fee, I’ll attend your classes, sign in at meetings, and pretend to do your homework so you don’t have to!
• I’m so lonely guys. So lonely. Somebody please just date me. Please! I’m not too proud to beg. Please contact Lona Lera with literally any offers.
• Selling an A+. That’s right, a genuine A+ to put on your report card. Contact Professor Sebastian Earthquake and make yourself look so much better to your nagging parents.
• Time Machine. Travel dates limited to April 11, 1954. No resale, refund, or any compensation if unhappy with product. Now or ever. Sorry if you’ve seen this post before guys I really need to get rid of it
• Hire an out-of-work humor writer to spice up your newspaper articles, party invitations, and the vaguely menacing notes you leave your roommate when he leaves half-eaten sandwiches decaying on his dresser! Hire Paul Palumbo today!

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