Athenian Classifieds

By: Daniel Mottern


Gold Chains: Used but in good condition, worn by Barbara Snyder at University Commencement and a Skrillex concert, $2,000.

“Whistling Vivaldi” by Claude M. Steele, “Quiet” by Susan Cain, “The Boy who Harnessed the Wind” by William Kamkwamba and “Zoobiquity” by Barbara Natterson-Horowitz: All in perfect condition, never used. $200 per book (because I need to be repaid for the time I’ve wasted).

Collection of BDSM gear: Rarely used. Must come to my “apartment” for pick-up. $100, but will discount for any questionable stains.


Higher quality, stain-free BDSM gear.

Someone willing to “Netflix and Chill,” “Hulu and Hang Out,” “Illegally stream and Snuggle,” etc. Any sexual advances will be met with a mixture of disgust and intrigue.

Italian grandmother to live in college dorm. Must be able to cook delicious Italian food, be extremely sweet and adorable. Must be fine with me showing you off to all of my friends.

Cashier: Entry level position, minimum wage. Must have: 20 years of experience, a PhD in either philosophy or theoretical physics.

New roommate: Previous roommate broke the roommate code for saying things like “Please don’t touch my stuff” and “Oh god why is there a dead body in the refrigerator.” Meet at the Village if interested. Come unarmed.

New writer for The Athenian Classifieds section, need replacement for horrible writer.


Lost my will to succeed in school somewhere between move-in day and today. Please search for in Sears 413, the location of my first Calc III exam.

Lost my father’s love the day I dropped out of med school. If found, please contact me at the nearest strip club. Ask for Bubble-butt Betty. On an unrelated note, also selling med school textbooks.

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