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Athletic students give new meaning to “Rock-Hard”

River Tam Sports Writer

Watch out, Ultimate Frisbee team— there’s a new team in town that can throw.

In a new twist on shotput, the team “the Throwbacks” have started a trend of throwing rocks with as much force as possible. What adds spice to the game and makes it more than just a spitting contest, however, is that these rocks have a target: a human target.

While the Throwbacks are currently still classified as Division III by the NCAA, they assured reporters that it is a temporary situation and it will quickly change when word spreads about their hot new way to work out. They tout that the team is great for stress relief and generally feeling healthier.

The campus leaders of Humans versus Zombies, however, have come out saying they see the sport as a threat to the Big Games Club.

“While on one hand I think I’d find it viciously satisfying and can’t wait to try it,” confessed one HvZ leader, “I’m afraid people will see us as too similar to the stoners, but not as cool because we don’t hurt people.”

Throwback Captain Zach Salem explained the rules to reporters as such: “You pick someone your whole team can agree on as the Stoned—that’s the first part of the game, so you start out with a positive bonding experience. Then, you throw the actual stones. Personally, most of our team prefers to gather stones beforehand, which the rules allow for, and we designate someone to cart them around behind us with a wheelbarrow. The great thing is you never run out, because you can use the same rocks next time!”

Other CWRU students chimed in about how invigorating they find the sport. “It’s like I see life from a new angle! I thought racquetball was good for letting off my anger, but I was so wrong,” enthused one freshman. “I almost regret not seeing my classmates from high school anymore. I think they’d make great Stoneds.”

This Athenian reporter discovered one student who had undergone the targeting of The Throwbacks, and asked him, as someone who had experienced what might be the negative side of the sport firsthand, how he felt.

“Well,” the student, who wished to remain anonymous, paused and took a drag of his cigarette. “It felt like one of those massage things. It really made me… appreciate life.”

The student then closed his eyes, and nodded meekly. “I think I need to go to the hospital now.”

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