Atlas drops the world, shrugs it off

Paul Palumbo

It’s well known that, despite all logic and physics pointing to the contrary, the world is held in place by a giant bodybuilder with minimal clothing and an equally minimal social life. The Titan, known as Atlas, has ensured the safety of our planet for thousands of years. His sheer determination and force of will has kept our planet secure.

That is, until yesterday, when he accidentally dropped it.

The massive earthquake reported yesterday was, in fact, the result of Atlas losing his balance after an unavoidable sneeze. The weight of the world proved too much upon this sudden force, and he dropped Earth right on its Australia. The Earth was immediately placed back on his broad shoulders, but by then the damage had already been done. Thousands were dead, billions in damages occurred and the Richter scale is now entirely obsolete.

When asked about this colossal tragedy, the son of Aether and Gaia responded in his booming voice.

“So I messed up, okay?” he said. “Do you have any idea how heavy the entire planet is? I see you people struggle to carry grocery bags. Get off my back. Well actually don’t do that. You’ll fall into the abyss.”

When asked if this kind of event could occur again, the Titan shrugged his mighty shoulders in uncertainty. This, of course, caused the second earthquake earlier today.

While having an unreliable guardian is not a comfortable feeling, there’s little the people of Earth can do besides respond to the recent calamities. The President of New Flatland, formerly Australia, has reassured his people that the chances of it happening to them twice are very low. The scientific community, meanwhile, is desperately trying to find a way to predict and measure a new phenomenon they have dubbed “Divine Incompetence.”

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