Author: cwruathenian
Confessions of a CWRU alumnus
Former Contributor They told me it’d all be different once I left college, that it was going to be either one of the other: I’d be either swimming in misery hoping to go back, or so blessed with my life that I wouldn’t be able to recall the long nights […]
Local man achieves perfectly balanced life
Q&A with local idol Mike Flaggerty Jess Chalas Mike Flaggerty was spotted just three months ago at the grocery store picking out an unrotted bag of apples while simultaneously coddling his eight-month-old, directing his four-year-old and talking on the phone to his wife. Since then, he has become a social […]
EPA trashed: Cuyahoga River, Lake Erie immediately catch fire
Charles Li The Cuyahoga River once again caught fire after the leftover corpse of the Environmental Protection Agency (EPA) was dragged off of Capitol Hill to be improperly disposed of in Chesapeake Bay. Some sources claimed that the blaze started after an individual smoking in a “No Tobacco” zone tossed […]
Famous last words before leaving KSL
Erin Hartmann “I think we should head out.” “Has anyone seen my espresso?” “I’m about to get a full six hours of sleep tonight.” “Good thing tomorrow is Saturday.” “Better call Safe Ride now.” “My 8:25 starts in 20 minutes, I better go change.” “How long was I asleep?” “That […]
Battle of the Bands violates Geneva Convention, Model U.N. intervenes
Paul Palumbo The recent Battle of the Bands between Case Western Reserve University (CWRU) and Cleveland State University (CSU) was shut down by the Model U.N. this weekend. According to the Model U.N., the battling bands did not adhere to the very strict Musical Geneva Convention. All college bands agreed […]
10 ways Spirit Airlines saves money
Leticia Dornfeld Charge you $10 to print your ticket at the airport. Charge $50 for the first checked bag and $55 per carry-on bag. Charge an extra $55 if your checked bag is 40.1 pounds instead of 40 pounds. Don’t ensure that the flight crew arrives on […]
In which Mr. Jameson’s stinginess is revealed
Jonathan Schaeffer “So now there’s a dead man in the garden, and I’m not sure why.” “Where’s the garden?” “Out there.” “How did he die?” “Someone shot him.” “Where was he shot?” “In the back.” “When did you find the body?” “About this morning. I went to pick some zucchini […]
CWRU introduces new varsity yoga team
Erin Hartmann In hopes of finally winning an University Athletic Association Conference Championship title, the Case Western Reserve University Athletic Department has recently invested thousands of dollars to promote and begin recruiting yogis both from the current student body and the incoming freshman class. Yogis, the term for those who […]
Syrian parents excited to hear child’s last words
Jeff Brisket Homs, Syria—In a small house on the outer fringes of Homs, Syrian parents Malek and Lama Isstaif are very excited to hear their son Tariq’s last words. “It’s just an incredible moment, you know?” Malek explained. “Your last words can say so much, and when we hear them […]
Local milkshake stop uses last straw
Paul Palumbo Local milkshake restaurant Milky Way became the scene of an emergency last night when the cashier realized that the sipping utensil he had just given a customer had been the last straw. When the next person in line tried to grab one from the dispenser, she was shocked […]
600 GIFs that perfectly explain how we feel about finals week
Tejas Joshi Finals week is approaching and these 600 GIFs perfectly explain how you’ll feel! Sometimes you feel ready… Then finals really start and the work hits you. You’ll try to study for a while But eventually you’ll be like But when finals are over…wow, no words.
March Mania sweeps through admissions department
Eddie Kerekes CLEVELAND—Sobbing silently at his desk after refreshing his browser for the 19th time today, Trevor Young finally accepted that he would not win this year’s office bracket pool. Though he had picked an unlikely champion, Young still had high hopes for his selection. “I tried to go against […]
CWRU takes gap year
Tejas Joshi CLEVELAND—In a surprising public announcement Tuesday, Case Western Reserve University has announced that the university will be taking academic year 2017-2018 off. The decision to take a gap was reached unanimously and independently by every faculty, staff and administration employee. Some employees supported the move so they could […]
Mom just learned the word “Hashtag”
David Pendergast CLEVELAND—Startling the family with her new usage of social networking terminology, 46-year-old mother of two Katheryn Cutters has reportedly started weaving the word “hashtag” into everyday conversation. “It all started on Monday, when she asked me to please take out the ‘hashtag trash,’” reports Bryan, 12, adding that […]