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Strong, independent woman refuses to change last name, changes first name instead

Independent woman Marsha Dover is to be married next Saturday. Dover, being a strong woman, took a special trip down to Shaker Heights Municipal Court on Friday to forcefully inform the clerk that she would not be changing her last name and conforming to traditional gender roles. The clerk was […]

Final countdown ends, everyone stunned

Alaina Lisanti The myriad of guests at The Jolly Scholar’s ‘80s Night cheered in excitement as the opening chords to Europe’s classic “The Final Countdown” rang through the restaurant this past Thursday. A select few, both sober and not-so-sober alike, set their food and drinks aside and took to the […]

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Editor’s Note

Tejas Joshi All good things must come to an end. Coincidently, The Athenian is ending too. To be honest, I never expected to have to wrap things up so soon, but I suppose that, eventually, every Editor in chief must make like an executioner and head off. Sadly, dear readers, […]

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“She Stoops to Conquer” can’t conquer Death

Nailah Mathews   Restoration comedy (named for the restoration of the monarchy in England after Parliament beheaded a king), strangely enough, has yet to have enjoyed a prominent following in the United States. Restoration comedy encompasses all things Americans love but hate to talk about; sex, class struggle, gender and […]

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Hipster on WRUW breaks ranks, plays Ed Sheeran

Jasmine Heusey It was noon when Ed Sheeran’s “Shape of You” was broadcast over the airwaves of WRUW. The earth began to shake as the station itself revolted against the top 20 song. “More Music, Fewer Hits” has been the mantra of WRUW for 50 years. It is drilled into […]

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What to do this weekend

Erin Hartmann   As it turns out, there is actually not a whole lot to do this weekend. Here are some things only a few of you will be interested in:   Friday, April 14   Possible events today include: Opening night of CWRU Theater’s “Aliens with Extraordinary Skills” in […]

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Playlist of the Week: April 7-13

  “Dental Care” – Owl City: “Dental Care” is a dreamy electro synth song by Owl City, as he laments about his struggles going to the dentist. Following the story spun through the airy vocals takes you on the emotional rollercoaster associated with dental care in a way you never […]

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Horoscopes for April 14, 2017

Cancer | When they go low, you will go high, to the dismay of the children you will dunk on. Aries |  Much of today will be a continuation of yesterday, and also of the day before, because time is a continuum. Taurus | You will soon know your hometown […]

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Browns draft pitcher Alex Faedo as surprising number one pick

Eddie Kerekes PHILADELPHIA—Think beyond the possible. As many of you readers know, that’s the motto of Case Western Reserve University. Cleveland Browns general manager Sashi Brown did not attend CWRU, but he was certainly thinking beyond the possible at the 2017 NFL Draft. With the number one overall pick in […]

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Tiger Woods wins CWRU mini golf championship

Eddie Kerekes CLEVELAND—Wearing his signature red shirt, Tiger Woods crouched down and stared at the ball rolling on the green toward the hole. When it finally descended into the cup, Woods gave his famous fist pump, let out a guttural scream and went over to hug his caddy. He had […]

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Semester Grades

Editorial Staff USG: F   Although it may seem extreme, we find this grade reasonable. The Undergraduate Student Government (USG) has addressed none of the concerns our staff has submitted to the comment box. Why are there not healthier options at Grab-It? Why are there still cockroaches in the dorms? […]

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Letter to the Editor: Student body’s ignorance is disgusting

A cold wind blows through an empty, dark conference room. Discarded solo cups and half-eaten pizza litter the floor. The only sound that breaks the awkward silence is the occasional moan. Is this a post-apocalyptic landscape? No. I was at the Residence Hall Association (RHA) general board meeting in order […]

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Unconventional Method Used to Appoint New COC 2019 President

Steve Kerby After the recent impeachment of the President of the Class Officer Collective Class of 2019, attempts to appoint a new interim president stalled repeatedly. The remaining COC 2019 exec members planned a secret meeting in the basement of Wade Commons. However, undercover protesters hiding in trash cans broke […]

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Letter to the Editor: A response to your critique of campus doors

Dear Editor, In a recent issue of the Athenian, your esteemed editor, Paul Palumbo, wrote about doors. In this atrocious opinion piece, he argued that “all the doors on campus [are] so ridiculous”. This is frankly a completely unforgivable position, one that had no place being published in your magazine. […]