Back from the depths: University considers releasing lagoon monster to fight crime

By Jimmy Matthiesen

In a new proposal recently drafted by university administration, Case Western Reserve University is considering a plan to counter the rising concerns about the security of university campus by releasing the monster of Wade Lagoon from the subterranean depths.
Initially displaced due to the Cuyahoga River fires of 1969, the nameless lake creature, fondly known as the “hideous lagoon monster,” has taken up residence in Wade lagoon since the early 1970s. Though initially intending to return to its home of Lake Erie, the monster has since made the lagoon its permanent residence, citing the growth of algae and Asian carp as rendering its native homeland unpalatable for its weekly feasting.
Throughout its stay, the city has become quite fond of the lagoon monster, culminating in the commission of a $350 million dollar project to build the monster an underground cavern under the guise of renovating the nearby art museum. With this “renovation” now finally complete, proponents of the plan assert that it is finally time for the monster to take the first steps to repay the city and university for their continued hospitality.
Without a doubt, the lagoon monster certainly has the ability to break and twist human flesh. In addition to a brief crime fighting spree, the monster is credited with hunting to extinction the Lake Erie shark population at the turn of the 20th century.
However, in light of contemporary concerns of excessive brutality, opponents of the plan worry about the university’s ability to control the unfathomable beast. Admittedly the monster’s rage, once awoken, is “unpredictable as the raging sea” and can only be calmed by the “love of a human woman.”
Many prominent pseudoscientists attribute the increased hurricane activity of 2010 to the monster’s reaction to popular basketball player Lebron James’s decision to leave Cleveland for the Miami Heat the year before. More recently, in a fit of rage attributed to a particularly irksome loss by the Cleveland Browns, the monster reportedly devoured the entirety of the Silver Spartan Diner, resulting in its replacement by a “Denny’s All Nighter” with the hope that its excessive grease and near deadly sodium content would deter the monster from further tirades.
Still, proponents of the plan believe that there are ways to control the monster. While some have proposed mandatory “monster sensitivity training” for sororities on campus, the most popular plan calls for the reactivation of the Michelson–Morley death ray. Now a popular statue on campus, the ray commemorates the famous experiment to prove the theory of relativity and painfully irradiates anything in its path.
Due to overruns in the university budget, the ray has been depowered in order to fuel the campus weather machine since the early 1970s, but it is thought that it might be retooled to subdue the monster into a docile coma.
Alternative proposals for the monster include display in the Greater Cleveland Aquarium, whose recent reopening included massive “monster proofing” initiatives, so that he might be “displayed in chains for all the world to see.”
As of the writing of this article, the monster was unavailable for comment, as he was currently vacationing in the warmer North Atlantic with European relatives. But, there is hope that he might weigh in on possible proposals in the coming months.

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