CLEVELAND, OH – News broke early this morning of the sale of Case Western Reserve University to a group of Chinese investors.
The group, headed by billionaire Lee Shau Kee, purchased a majority stake of CWRU for a lump sum of $12,000,005.72. Kee will also reportedly make a payment of 20 lbs. of white truffles and caviar, which will be delivered directly to President Barbara Snyder’s house, each year for the next ten years.
“We were really happy to make this deal,” said Kee, speaking through a translator from his mansion in Hong Kong. “It’s a great school, and it was dirt cheap. I wash my face with soap that costs more than what we paid for CWRU. I bet my Charmin costs more.”
Kee, the second richest Chinese man in the world with a net worth of $24 billion, enjoys long walks on the beach, the Disney/Pixar Toy Story franchise, and spending money.
“I spend money like a brown bear eats salmon,” noted Kee. “I speak English, but I hired this translator just to boost the economy. I’ve never run a school before, but I welcome the opportunity to mess around with the American education system.”
“This deal is great for the university,” said Snyder, speaking from her office while getting fitted for a mink fur coat. “I always remember to keep the university in mind when making major decisions like this.”
When questioned on whether Kee had the experience to guide a major university, Snyder said, “Lee Shau Kee is fantastic. I’ve known him since last wee – hey, careful with that!” as a moving crew began taking furniture. “You know, I’d love to chat, but I’ve got to catch a plane to Mallorca.”
Kee’s early plans for change include implementing traditional Chinese cuisine at Leutner and Fribley, replacing Greenies with Rickshaws made out of pure gold, and changing CWRU’s mascot from the Spartan to the Terracotta Warrior. Expect the Chinese population on campus to continue to increase as well, as Kee plans to invest in research to build a tunnel that travels directly through the core of the earth from China to CWRU.
“I plan to build a direct-access tunnel through the core of the earth to make CWRU more diverse,” said Kee.
The reaction to the news of the sale by students seemed positive. One sophomore living on Southside was happy to hear that Kee was going to make changes.
“I’m looking forward to it,” said the student, who asked to remain anonymous. “I’ve always wanted to ride in a rickshaw and my diet right now consists entirely of Fribley pizza, so it’ll be nice to mix it up a little.”
Another sophomore had similar sentiments.
“It’s pizza all day, every day over here. Also I think China would be really cool to see, so if the tunnel works both ways than that would be cool.”
“American students have never seen Lee Shau party,” Kee added, referring to himself in the third person and popping a golden champagne bottle. “The fun is just getting started.”
Kee’s group also bought Cornell, Brown, Ole Miss, Miami of Ohio, Stanford, Kent State, Boise State, Tulane, Villanova, and John Carroll. Kee has plans to rename all of the schools to fit his home country and has proposed the name Chinese Western Reserve University (CWRU).