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Battle of the Bands violates Geneva Convention, Model U.N. intervenes

Paul Palumbo

The recent Battle of the Bands between Case Western Reserve University (CWRU) and Cleveland State University (CSU) was shut down by the Model U.N. this weekend. According to the Model U.N., the battling bands did not adhere to the very strict Musical Geneva Convention. All college bands agreed to follow this strict set of guidelines after the incident in 1985, which sent several people to the hospital and more than a few woodwinds to the grave.

What did these bands do to break such a sacred agreement? According to the Representative from Model Canada, both bands participated in unsportsmanlike and purposefully destructive behavior during the competition. A trumpeter from CSU was observed playing excessively loud into the face of a CWRU tuba player. Meanwhile, a CWRU trombonist was smacking an opposing drummer every time he needed to stretch his instrument. A student from CSU was seen playing in the CWRU band, performing purposefully awful and making it seem like CWRU was lacking in the drumming department. Then, of course, there was the CWRU violinist who threw mustard gas at the CSU guitarist, which is not specifically stated in the Musical Geneva Convention but is still probably not an okay thing to do.

After this unruly behavior was reported, Model U.N. stepped in and flexed their Model Authority, shutting the competition down before it escalated to espionage. The bands were dispersed and several of the ringleaders were detained. Whether the Model U.N. actually has the authority to detain people is uncertain, but that didn’t stop them. They have taken complete control of the situation.

What will happen to the Battle of the Bands? Model U.N. has announced the competition will be held again at a later date, under the strict supervision of Model U.S. Model U.S. will ensure that all involved parties have the right to play their instrument without fear of egregious interference. The ringleaders will be allowed to play, but each will be personally accompanied by a member of the Model U.N. Hopefully this next battle will go off without a hitch, or Model U.S. has threatened to bring in the Model President to deal with the situation personally.

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