11111 Euclid Avenue, Cleveland OH 44106

Best campus spots to have sex

Reported by Josephus E. Tinnertink-McDuffle, intrepid explorer

wetdry

#5) The Wet/Dry Fountain

Located in the center of artsy Mather Quad, the Wet/Dry Fountain represents the merging of two schools into one, and can be a scenic place to merge much more than that. This notable piece of Case Western architecture has two sides available for either preference: “wet,” and “dry.”

Bystanders don’t have to worry about getting too wet here, though. “It hasn’t been turned on in forever,” said a fountain-frequenting CWRU freshman. “But that doesn’t say anything about the rest of us.”

Admittedly, if the fountain was in operation it would make for a more interesting affair, with real water actually cascading down the steps. In its current state, the Wet/Dry Fountain offers a calm and relaxing time for any pair, its name only a symbol for meaning.

With Haydn Hall and Guilford House nearby, music and poetry drift into the air. On a nice and warm day, this place truly makes the mood, and placing the Wet/Dry Fountain at a solid number 5 on the list of Best Campus Places to Do It.

Heated Vents

#4) Heated Vents

Students walk by them on their ways to class, stopping and huddling near the wall to warm up on particularly cold days. The smell of a nearby old library or boiler room is heartwarming and only slightly unpleasant. Near the bangs and clanks of the new Student Center currently under construction, these few squares of sidewalk are the perfect outdoor place for lovemaking.

Most students and staff alike have probably imagined themselves doing it here, at the heated vents along the side of Mather Dance Center.

Lovers never have to worry about inclement weather—the heated vents are always the perfect steamy place to spend some quality time. Located right next to the fork in the sidewalk that funnels walkers from Kelvin Smith Library and Thwing Center, the dance center’s vents are right in the middle of student excitement and Cleveland diversity.

The heavy traffic in this area seems to be a downside, but a few metal stairs and a small tree nearby offer a bit of privacy, if you care about that. When it comes to Cleveland weather, it seems unimagineable to escape any of its terror while still remaining outside. The vents, ranked above the Wet/Dry Fountain for this very reason, are an exception to the rule.

Basement

#3) 3rd Floor of KSL

Quiet, private, and full of nooks and crannies, the third floor of Kelvin Smith Library provides privacy that nowhere else on campus can afford. As long as activities are kept quiet enough, doing it here should never draw any attention to surrounding students, even those in neighboring study carrels.

When students feel too timid to ‘sex’ where they normally study, the mechanical shelving systems in the stacks make for an easily chosen safe haven in any section. The chances of being disrupted while in the stacks are close to none. Students can feel free to pursue lovemaking while perusing their favorite works of literature, or even multitask and get a little bit of studying time in too.

Another popular area on Kelvin Smith’s third floor is the comfy leather chairs near the windows. The only downside is the motion-detecting light switch. However, if determined enough, students can keep the entire floor masked in sensual darkness by keeping their movements crawlingly slow.

Glass windows lining the front of the library reveal a gorgeous outlook on Euclid’s heavy traffic and bus routes. Truly, what would be better to watch while canoodling than the Healthline roaring by in all its glory?

Out of all the Best Campus Places to Do It, the third floor of KSL best captures the beauty of Cleveland.

michelsonfountain

#2) Michelson-Morley Memorial Fountain

Overlooking the science quad, this large chrome-plated rod was erected in 1973 to honor the famous Michelson-Morley experiment conducted at Case. Originally crafted to symbolize ether waves (the pool of water below) and a beam of light (the… large, chrome-plated… rod), this highly artistic sculpture has grown to represent more to students, and would be a perfectly symbolic place to ‘do it.’

Affectionately nicknamed the “Phallic Fountain” by students, the giant shiny dildo is adored by all at CWRU.

Already a common place for “fountain-dipping”—an activity where incredibly rebellious students walk barefoot in the water late at night—the Phallic Fountain would be the perfect place to skinny dip, or just go ahead and get it on. The base pool is about fifteen feet diameter, allowing plenty of room to swim. It also gets as deep as two feet, a convenient feature that gives students enough room to hide in the depths when the authorities arrive.

Requiring a snorkel, the Michelson-Morley Memorial Fountain is Case Western’s most exotic place to do it, but only for students daring enough to break the rules. Despite its enticing dangerousness, it still cannot beat out the number one placeholder of this list…

strosacker

#1) Strosacker Auditorium

Doing it in Strosacker would, for many a student who’s snoozed through many a lecture, be a dream come true.

Movies are played there, classes are held there, and a “Harlem Shake” was even put on in its large auditorium last month. Literally everything has been done there, so doin’ it should be the most logical activity to participate in too.

With convenient pull out desks to hold your things, Sacstroker Strosacker accompanies every little need a lover could imagine.

Patterned red carpet makes every student who enters Strosacker feel like a celebrity and the  blue velvet seats might as well have been designed for the royal family—getting a front row seat in Strosacker is comparable to sitting in a throne.

Not only does the auditorium have amazing acoustics to carry the music of lovemaking, but the small concession stand opened for Friday night movies has snacks of every variety to please voracious post-coital hunger!

But truly, fucking in the multitudinous rows of seats is not what makes Strosacker number one on this list.

What could make a lover feel more like true royalty than doing it right where a Physics professor gave a lecture the day before? Aroused students can take the stage of Strosacker Auditorium themselves, instead of watching some boring lecture on the screens.

According to many students, the best time to engage in intercourse is during the lecture itself. “There’s technically no rule saying not to do it,” said a CWRU Chemical Engineering major. “It’s a challenge, but it’s a challenge every student here could and should accept at least once.”

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