Best foods the second time around

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Some wines are paired perfectly with foods: Chardonnay and roasted salmon, merlot and gouda cheese, pinot noir and Raman noodles.  However, an excess of wine and an excess of food are not a good pairing.  Here are suggestions of food pairings for your next binge that taste good twice.

If you are attending the Olympics on Hessler representing your native country of Jamaica, then you’re going to want food that is paired well with the sweet and rustic Natural Light.  The aroma of stale preservatives will tickle your nose as you hold your breath to stave off your taste buds.  As you heroically go the distance, make sure to munch on some Cheezy Balls.  This light and airy texture compliments the smooth but harsher taste of the Natural Light.  Its easily dissolvable texture and fun color will also make for a festive trip to the porcelain throne.

If the competitive scene isn’t for you, you may find yourself at a hipster house party.  Microbreweries and exported beers are the drink of choice at these events.  Eating and drinking is paired with stories from backpacking banjo players and aspiring graphic designers.   Take your time as you drink your “Moose Drool” from Maine or your “Hoptimus Prime.”  Drinking these slowly while eating hummus and kale chips will give your sickness a mellow tone.  The organic ingredients will purify your purge.  The taste is obscure, but that’s the point.

Congratulations!  It’s your 21st birthday and you are ready for a night out on the town.  You invite everyone you know and they all want to take shots with you.  Celebrate your first night drinking in public by acting in ways you never would in public.  Take dozens of shots with friends, then order loaded fries for everyone.  This sodden, mushy delicacy goes down as easy as that last White Russian you somewhat remember drinking.  The next morning, you will be keeled over with a terrible headache, but those chunky bacon bits will serve as a salty reminder of a night well lived.

Just remember some of these classy drunk tips (in fact, five of them):

1)      If you owe someone money, pay they back at the bar.

2)      Drink one girly drink in public and you’ll forever be known as the person who drinks girly drinks.

3)      It is only permissible to shout ‘woo-hoo!’ if you are doing a shot with four or more people.

4)      Never complain about the quality or brand of a free drink.

5)      If you think you might be slurring a little, then you are slurring a lot. If you think you are slurring a lot, then you are not speaking English.

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