Reported by Hallie Dolin
The wildly unpopular government shutdown has left House Speaker John Boehner with a problem. Somewhat unfortunately, it is one problem he never saw coming: No one likes him. After weeks looking for a solution, he has found the answer – to shift the focus somewhere else. According to his personal blog, Boehner has decided that something, though unspecified as to what, must be done to revitalize the government’s funding. It appears he means to harness the power of two truly American institutions to do just that.
Black Friday and the black market have been intertwined for centuries. In recent years, however, the latter has led to downswings in the former’s profit margins. Experts believe this is directly related to the number of people who are learning to use Amazon One-Click in the days after Thanksgiving. According to renowned conservative source Bill O’Reilly, this so-called Cyber Monday, “is going to be the downfall of our country.” In a change of pace for O’Reilly, quite a few people agree.
Boehner has proposed to solve both the budget problem and falling Black Friday sales. With the help of The Pirate Bay’s Anakata, he will combine Black Friday with the black market for a more efficient (and profitable) shopping experience. Why, you might ask? The Biomedical Engineering department at Case Western Reserve University, as usual, has an eminently scientific response. Dr. Lowe Love clarified the issue on his Blackboard page, “As the fusion of any two entities results in an increase in energy, the fusion of Black Friday and the black market will lead to an increase in this country’s energy: Money.” Love has promised one point of extra credit to any student who can refute his hypothesis in a way that doesn’t cost him his tenure.
Many are wondering exactly how this particular merger is going to be carried out. But never fear; Boehner has a solution for that, too. With the help of government-driven U-Hauls, all sale items will be delivered to a central location in each state’s capital. Boehner hopes the jobs this will create for out-of-work government employees will help his public image. Adversely, when asked whether these employees would be compensated for their involuntary time off, the Speaker called the idea “absurd.” The locations will be accessible to all and, in keeping with the traditions of the black market, will remain an “open secret.”
Officially, of course, Boehner has nothing to do with any of this, and it doesn’t exist. The sites are located in old underground bunkers. Shoppers are advised to ignore any banks of servers they see. While this is going on, the atrium of each site will be tastefully decorated in last year’s unsold Christmas lights. There will be a special deal for anyone who cares to rouse themselves from their food coma to take advantage of it, in that anyone who gets to the Black Friday Market before 6 a.m. on Fri., Nov. 29 will receive 30 percent off purchases, no minimum necessary.
Boehner has pointed out an additional boon. With everything in one, more people will flock to one site at a time. These frenzied masses will be unable to keep from trampling each other. Hospitals expect record profits given the staggering number of fatal or semi-fatal injuries that occur when a herd of humans stampedes over itself chasing after that one perfect deal. As a bonus, because the entire operation will be shrouded in the illegality of the black market, anyone who goes to the police seeking help or a ride to the hospital will be arrested and severely fined.
Boehner believes that all the stores will definitely profit. Everything will be accessible from a single source and money can be funneled back into the government through post-holiday spending. Speaker Boehner, however, would like to make one thing very clear – he in no way, shape, or form endorses single-payer anything, adding on his blog, “All I have to say is groovy, smashing, yay capitalism.”