Reported by Sarah Whelan
“Um, America? Yeah…I decided to leave North America… I hope that’s okay. No hard feelings? Still friends? Okay, sorry aboot all this, bye.”
“Did you say something, Canada?”
In recently ignored news, many Canadians have emerged from their igloos to renounce their prestigious title as the 51st state and to make their secession from the United States of America official.
After many years of passive-aggressive staring matches and a border maintained by a line of trees, the Republic of Canada has submitted a strongly-worded letter to the White House informing the U.S. of its intentions. In a move that could have earthquake magnitude ramifications and could mess up the world wide tides for months, Canada has decided to (politely) leave North America and go hang out further North with Greenland.
The White House tweeted that how the break-up was handled was very rude, but they have put on a brave public face indicating that they saw this coming—in fact, if Canada hadn’t left, the White House would have soon ended it themselves. As for the American public no one has seemed to notice anything about this sudden departure and many have ignored it all together, except for momentarily pausing at a slight increase in price of maple syrup. That is, the American public—not including Minnesotans who have finally decided to own up to being part of Canada and joining them in their succession. This ex-state has been affected only by a decrease in medical bills
France responded with a smug look and flippantly remarked, “Of course Canada would leave. What I don’t understand is why it stayed so long. I have tried to convince it to leave for a while now.” This seems to indicate a previous knowledge of the proceedings. The rest of Europe rolled its eyes and ignored the entire drama. Here in North America, Alaska is feeling lost and alone but has announced it will start to move to finally join the continental U.S.
When asked to comment on why they have elected to end what was thought to be an amicable relationship with the rest of North America, a few Canadians had a things to say. Turns out they were (politely) angry about a few things. Included in their letter of intent, they said their largest complaint was that America claimed all decent Canadian musicians as American musicians but refused to claim Justin Bieber. Summed it up nicely with, “Couldn’t you just take him, eh?”
To say that the rest of North America will miss the hockey-loving country would be an overstatement. It seems as if everyone has written this off as yet another famous attention-seeking ploy of Canada and have refused to acknowledge it.