For many Case students, the phrase ‘food disaster’ can describe a lot of different experiences – that disastrous meal that they attempted to cook for their first date, Aunt Bertha’s famous smoked flan, or a joke about Fribley. This week, however, a calamity far more deadly caught the world’s attention when a Case alumnus spontaneously combusted at the dinner table. Sources believe that they have found a reason for this bizarre event.
Doof Johnston, 23, was found last Tuesday in his Shaker Square apartment, flopped down next to the dinner table. His roommate, who prefers to remain anonymous, had only this to say about why he failed to notice the fact that Johnston was on fire: “Seriously? I thought it was that pathetic attempt he made at steak that he had on the table. That stuff smelled just horrible.”
Investigators paid a visit to Johnston’s apartment the day after his death, eager to crack the case. They were shocked to find that, in fact, the steak was still intact on the table. Chief Detective Ray Bucket, when asked about verification of Johnston’s roommate’s statement, replied that “[he] really thought someone would have eaten it by now. It’s a piece of meat, people, not a loaded gun. Didn’t the guy have a dog or something?” Further investigations, however, turned up the fact that Johnston’s pug had been away at a Phish concert that night, making consumption an impossibility.
Johnston, as it turns out, was not in the habit of cooking steak – a fact that, along with his otherwise typical behavior the night of his death, prompted the detective team to send his food to a nearby chemical analysis lab for testing. The steak, along with a scoop of baked potatoes found at the scene, came back yesterday with the following tag: “Dry, gristly, and full of E. coli – just terrible. If the guy had eaten this stuff, he would’ve been exposed to a fate much worse than a little spontaneous combustion.”
Bucket has since dubbed Johnston’s untimely death a symptom of Case’s propensity to turn out alums with zero practical skills whatsoever. “Sure, maybe he could write a killer thesis, but ultimately, Doof Johnston was killed by his body’s overreaction to the worst prospective dinner in the history of the world, and we mourn him.”
Case has declined to comment on any potential responsibility for the spontaneous combustion, but reportedly, professors all over campus are in talks to provide basic cooking skills and a little common sense to students in a series of classes. The steak, meanwhile, has been taken into custody.