In shocking national news, Case Western Reserve University has come under investigation by the Securities and Exchange Commission (SEC) for high volume money laundering. There is also strong evidence that the FBI has joined the investigation. The precise nature of the investigation is unclear as the SEC has yet to make a statement, and CWRU has not publicly acknowledged any investigation.
Sources close to the investigation reveal that the SEC and FBI have been tracking an unusual stream of CaseCash that has been flowing out of the Cleveland area and into anonymous bank accounts in Switzerland. For our readers who are unfamiliar with CaseCash, it is a fund set aside by meal plans for students to spend at local restaurants, preferably ones owned by Bon Appétit.
While the nature of the money dumps has yet to be revealed, it is expected to be related to an unusually high exchange rate that CaseCash has been experiencing in recent months. This exchange rate is likely due to Chipotle beginning to accept CaseCash.
Students at CWRU often frequent the fast food restaurant as an alternative to the school’s dining options. These dining options are controlled by the wannabe monopoly Bon Appétit, while Chipotle is owned by a more respectable Chipotle franchise.
While the origin of CaseCash has yet to be tracked down, The Observer recently featured an article investigating mysterious disappearances of CaseCash from some students accounts. After sifting through information leaked to CWRU’s more venerable news outlet, The Athenian staff found strong indication that Bon Appétit may be a likely suspect behind the laundering. Despite the turmoil around the future of the system, students indicate that they still hold faith in Our Beloved President Babs Almighty, who can do no wrong while running the school. Without the CaseCash system, students would be forced to eat at Leutner, which is feared more than finals week.