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Issue 69

Win up to 250 by reading The Athenian!

All polls are open (including 67 and 68) for a limited time. All you need to do is read the respective issue and rate the content within each. Completing each form gives you one entry into the contest, for a maximum of three entries. There is one 250 dollar prize, […]

Professor Bradley Ricca announced Man of the Year by Athenian staff

Reported by Mike McKenna, contributing reporter After a heated four month debate, The Athenian has finally selected its 2012 Man of the Year: Dr. Bradley Ricca. The selection was an unprecedented move; all 13 previous years of this award have been given to the entire Athenian staff, an easy choice. […]

Dancing the dirty tango: a review of Pirates XXX

Compiled by the Ginger Critic, film critic When I set out to review Pirates XXX (2005), the thinly guised porno version of Pirates of the Caribbean: Curse of the Black Pearl (2003), I was expecting a gruesome task. The sheer amount of possibilities for sexcapades amongst a co-ed pirate crew […]

Best campus spots to have sex

Reported by Josephus E. Tinnertink-McDuffle, intrepid explorer #5) The Wet/Dry Fountain Located in the center of artsy Mather Quad, the Wet/Dry Fountain represents the merging of two schools into one, and can be a scenic place to merge much more than that. This notable piece of Case Western architecture has […]

Students fight for new honors fraternity ΣΕΧ on campus

Reported by Otter Diggs, student affairs reporter While the Greek community is abuzz about its own expansion, less people are aware of the arrival of a new co-ed honors fraternity known as Sigma Epsilon Chi, or ΣΕΧ. Based on the values of virtue, service, and friendship, ΣΕΧ is a national […]

To the lover: a handbook to sleeping with a thespian

Reported by the drama guru, staff reporter The actor: an instrument of human emotion and a catalyst for the collective catharsis of society. We worship them, adore them, and place them atop our monuments. Monuments that many times we imagine them actually sitting atop…straddling, thrusting, moaning: gyrating in ecstasy and […]

Album of the month: Robert Allen Zimmerman

Reported by Tom Roberts, music reporter Album: Robert Allen Zimmerman Artist: Robert Allen Zimmerman Rating: Fantastic! Tracks to Show Your Grandma: “She’s No Good”, “Highway 51 Blues” and “Freight Train Blues” Tired of Today’s Top 40 Pop Hits playing everywhere?  Think that new music is way too boring and has […]

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A note from an athlete

Reported by Damsel Kate, investigative writer To my fellow varsity athletes and other CWRU students who engage in physical activity: if you think the only benefit to working out is keeping up your physical shape, how wrong you are. Several different forms of physical activity have been proven to improve […]

CWRU to host 2015 Quidditch World Cup

Reported by Hallie Dolin, senior editor It has surprised the nation, but after over a century and a half of begging, heckling, strongly-worded letter campaigns, and showing up at games to push the cause, Case Western has been chosen to host the 427th Quidditch World Cup. The Cup, which has […]

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USG Briefs

Compiled from staff reports At the most recent USG meeting, the primary content discussed by the student board was the distribution of the student activity fee. Bill B. S-69 was voted on and passed unanimously, allowing reallocation of the USG budget for purchases to cover the coverings of USG members’ […]

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The Athenian’s playlist of the month

Compiled by Josephus E. Tinnertink-McDuffle, music critic Baauer – “Harlem Shake” This song is sure to pick up ladies. No one’s ever heard of it, which means that bringing it up is sure to impress everyone with how much of a cultured music-listening hipster you are. You could even do […]

Outside the Circle

    Compiled by Nick Pilla, national new reporter Waldo Found, Arrested Early this morning, several news outlets reported that Waldo, infamous man of unknown age and origin, was found and arrested for tax evasion. Waldo, best known for flashing a red and white striped sweater, glasses and a goofy […]

Restaurant review: Bazonga’s Eatery

Reported by Mr. Chuckles, food critic Rating: 1.5 of 5 stars A few days ago, I had a hankering to suck on a nice big sausage.  I’d heard about Bazonga’s Eatery, which, according to its website, is located “right next to your mom.”  The owner of Bazonga’s Eatery, Willy Slapstick, […]

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The Athenian’s App of the Month: Harem Periods Tracker

Reported by YİĞİT, Turkish Harem Explorer Extraordinaire Are you a lecherous yet popular sack of meat interested in other (probably less perverse) sacks of meat that bleed once a month? Are you interested in having sexually-oriented, non-pornographic materials on your phone as a ruse to trick your friends into believing […]

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Oscar sweeps: CWRU kids rioting

Reported by Hallie Dolin, senior editor The 25th of last February saw a surprising turn of events on the Case campus, as students of all ages woke from their post-booze comas to find that the Academy Award results were in – and they were not what the nerds of Case […]