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Issue 69

Guinness World Record broken by CWRU students — longest sex marathon

Compiled from staff reports Two CWRU students, one undergrad and one grad student, have just been verified as the current holders of the “longest sex marathon” record. “Although it may have delayed our penguin research, we’re very proud,” reported A. Cox, PhD candidate in Animal Biology. “In fact, it may […]


Letter to the Editor

Dear Editor, Considering that public nudity is legal in Ohio, I am surprised at how few people take advantage of it. I mean, sure, there is a fine line between what is acceptable and what is not, but crossing that line is not illegal. Why should you need to hide […]


Football teams find new use for Cosmopolitan

Reported by River Tam, investigative writer To amuse those waiting in line at the local Giant Eagle, the cash register lanes are populated with women’s magazines declaring they have the hottest new ways to “please your man.” However, the ever-envelope-pushing football legions of America have begun a trend to recycle […]


Sex & Dating: Dear Athenian

Dear Athenian is written by The Athenian’s own Josephus E. Tinnertink-McDuffle. It has gained recognition across the nation for its sex advice, known for its sensible but absolutely oblivious responses. Question: I’ve been getting bored with my boyfriend; he only wants one position, and I’m starting to lose interest. Answer: […]

Game review of the month: Kerbal Space Program

Reported by Mr. Kerballer, game critic Some time ago, my friend recommended that I try a computer game called Kerbal Space Program, or “KSP” (for lazy people and acronym enthusiasts). I promised him I’d give it a try once I had some free time, which—coming from an engineering student—means basically […]

Foods that you’d never quite expect… in the bedroom

Writer: Josephus E. Tinnertink-McDuffle, Column: The Sexual Punny Many things can make sex better… but what makes sex better than snacks? It may seem like eating aphrodisiacs would be a really good idea – imagine you’re going at it, but you’re both struck by hunger pangs. So you eat some […]


Issue 69 Preview

April Fools’ edition 2013! (Though, it’s not completely an April Fools’. We did make it.) (Click on the image to fullscreen!) [gigya src=”http://static.issuu.com/webembed/viewers/style1/v1/IssuuViewer.swf” type=”application/x-shockwave-flash” allowfullscreen=”true” allowscriptaccess=”always” menu=”false” style=”width:420px;height:325px” flashvars=”mode=embed&&layout=http://skin.issuu.com/Fv/Flight/Flayout.xml&&showFlipBtn=true&&documentId=130330023117-789c1eea322648d4b2282aaad4658685&&docName=issue_69&&username=cwruathenian&&loadingInfoText=Issue%2069&&et=1364774768475&&er=51″]


Sex before athletics: does it improve performance?

Compiled from staff reports Engaging in sex boosts your adrenaline. However, it can also exhaust you and give you no urge for doing anything. Do the pros outweigh the cons? Fortunately for readers, many scientists have weighed in on the subject. To be as helpful as possible for the general […]

A Conversation with… my future self

Time travel does not exist yet, but it will someday soon in the future. Have you ever seen ? Recently, I, Josephus E. Tinnertink-McDuffle, had a visit from my future self which led to an exclusive Athenian interview. An accomplished barista, my future self is very involved in normal day-to-day […]

Over the Rainbow

Reported by Mo Jo, campus life reporter There are many myths and fairytales about the magical world that lies somewhere over the rainbow. Unfortunately for those fantasizing straight people, these are all myths supported by a few random shows on TLC. In Over the Rainbow, we will help you uncover […]

The comprehensive 2013 Indians preview

Reported by Robin Hood, Sports Enthusiast Well sports fans, it’s that time of year again! And no, I’m not just talking about peak noodling season (look it up). No, the calendar says April. The beautiful Cleveland sun is visible for literally tens of minutes each day, and the temperature has […]


For the sake of a heated sidewalk

Writer: Velma Dinkley, Column: The Eighth Circle Let’s start by saying that there are definite, almost tangible differences throughout your years at Case Western Reserve University. You enter as a freshman, lowest of the pack, but excited and oblivious to the world. Everything is grand and trudging through two feet […]


Editor’s Note: What am I?

It’s a simple set of words. It’s known in virtually every language since cavemen finally moved away from grunting and scratching pictures on walls to words. “I’m sorry.” That’s right. The eloquent but all around saying for so many things. It’s si/mple but one of the cruxes of our day […]