Reported by Ellie Rambo This month, the first combination Chick-Fil-A and Barilla restaurant will open its doors to the homophobic chicken-eating masses. The two companies teamed up because, in the … Read More “Chick-Fil-A and Barilla form discrimination federation”
Category:
Issue 71
Mufasa dies in stampede of Black Friday shoppers; Simba grieves
Reported by Josephus E. Tinnertink McDuffle Simba couldn’t wait to be king; now, the position is his to fill after the tragic events of Black Friday. The Royal Family of … Read More “Mufasa dies in stampede of Black Friday shoppers; Simba grieves”
The Future of Black Friday
In the early twenty-second century, mankind turned to the stars for refuge from a broken world. What had once been an adventure driven by simple curiosity was now a desperate … Read More “The Future of Black Friday”
The Johnson Family’s Black Friday Vacation
Written by Alex Aloi To say that the mall was full of people would have been an understatement: The management feared that if any more entered, flailing limbs would be … Read More “The Johnson Family’s Black Friday Vacation”
Price Slasher remains at large
Reported by Tejas Joshi, press association Police have received reports that the enigmatic Price Slasher, wanted in connection with millions of slashing incidents, is still at large in the Cleveland … Read More “Price Slasher remains at large”
CWRU tuition funding faculty Thanksgiving dinner
Reported by River Tam Thanks to diligent student reporter efforts, The Athenian has uncovered budget records revealing that 14.3 percent of the CWRU budget is annually allocated toward a lavish … Read More “CWRU tuition funding faculty Thanksgiving dinner”
Sheep Marketplace: The New World of Drugs
Following October’s FBI crackdown and shutdown on “Silk Road,” an anonymous online, international marketplace for the drug trade, new contenders are springing up everywhere. None, however, are rising as quickly … Read More “Sheep Marketplace: The New World of Drugs”
Letter from the Editor
As a kid, I remember always wanting to go to a Black Friday sale. Even now, I couldn’t tell you what it was that drove the strange urge. It could … Read More “Letter from the Editor”
Chick-Fil-A and Barilla form discrimination federation
Reported by Ellie Rambo This month, the first combination Chick-Fil-A and Barilla restaurant will open its doors to the homophobic chicken-eating masses. The two companies teamed up because, in the … Read More “Chick-Fil-A and Barilla form discrimination federation”
Fanatics against Black Friday
Reported by Anastazia Vanisko At 5:00 p.m. Thanksgiving evening, a group of highly motivated religious zealots camped outside K-Mart and refused to leave. They claimed to be attempting to put … Read More “Fanatics against Black Friday”
Celebrity Voices: Rebecca Black Friday
Reported by Tejas Joshi For today’s issue, esteemed musical talent Rebecca Black thoughtfully provided readers with a rare glance into her mind during her very unique Fridays: Oh my god! … Read More “Celebrity Voices: Rebecca Black Friday”
Black Friday to combine with the black market due to governmental PR campaign
Reported by Hallie Dolin The wildly unpopular government shutdown has left House Speaker John Boehner with a problem. Somewhat unfortunately, it is one problem he never saw coming: No one … Read More “Black Friday to combine with the black market due to governmental PR campaign”
How to prepare for Black Friday
Compiled by Kushagra Gupta In life, it’s important to be prepared. Such words of wisdom can be of no greater importance than when applied to Black Friday. While it may … Read More “How to prepare for Black Friday”
Redefining why we give thanks
Kayla’s Worldly Intentions- Kayla DeVault Thanksgiving is not an uncommon holiday around the world. Most days dedicated to grace and being thankful are days left to reflect on the positive … Read More “Redefining why we give thanks”
How will CWRU celebrate Cyber Monday?
Reported by Sarah Whelan CWRU students are notorious for being scared to death from all of the stories of the hordes, death, catastrophe and (worse yet) limited personal space provided … Read More “How will CWRU celebrate Cyber Monday?”