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CWRU's humor magazine, est. 2000

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Issue 71

Author cwruathenianPosted on April 3, 2014No comment Chick-Fil-A and Barilla form discrimination federation

Chick-Fil-A and Barilla form discrimination federation

Reported by Ellie Rambo This month, the first combination Chick-Fil-A and Barilla restaurant will open its doors to the homophobic chicken-eating masses. The two companies teamed up because, in the … Read More “Chick-Fil-A and Barilla form discrimination federation”

Author cwruathenianPosted on November 6, 2013November 6, 2013No comment Mufasa dies in stampede of Black Friday shoppers; Simba grieves

Mufasa dies in stampede of Black Friday shoppers; Simba grieves

Reported by Josephus E. Tinnertink McDuffle Simba couldn’t wait to be king; now, the position is his to fill after the tragic events of Black Friday. The Royal Family of … Read More “Mufasa dies in stampede of Black Friday shoppers; Simba grieves”

Author cwruathenianPosted on November 6, 2013No comment The Future of Black Friday

The Future of Black Friday

In the early twenty-second century, mankind turned to the stars for refuge from a broken world. What had once been an adventure driven by simple curiosity was now a desperate … Read More “The Future of Black Friday”

Author cwruathenianPosted on November 6, 2013No comment The Johnson Family’s Black Friday Vacation

The Johnson Family’s Black Friday Vacation

Written by Alex Aloi To say that the mall was full of people would have been an understatement: The management feared that if any more entered, flailing limbs would be … Read More “The Johnson Family’s Black Friday Vacation”

Author cwruathenianPosted on November 6, 2013No comment Price Slasher remains at large

Price Slasher remains at large

Reported by Tejas Joshi, press association Police have received reports that the enigmatic Price Slasher, wanted in connection with millions of slashing incidents, is still at large in the Cleveland … Read More “Price Slasher remains at large”

Author cwruathenianPosted on November 6, 2013No comment CWRU tuition funding faculty Thanksgiving dinner

CWRU tuition funding faculty Thanksgiving dinner

Reported by River Tam Thanks to diligent student reporter efforts, The Athenian has uncovered budget records revealing that 14.3 percent of the CWRU budget is annually allocated toward a lavish … Read More “CWRU tuition funding faculty Thanksgiving dinner”

Author cwruathenianPosted on November 6, 2013No comment Sheep Marketplace: The New World of Drugs

Sheep Marketplace: The New World of Drugs

Following October’s FBI crackdown and shutdown on “Silk Road,” an anonymous online, international marketplace for the drug trade, new contenders are springing up everywhere. None, however, are rising as quickly … Read More “Sheep Marketplace: The New World of Drugs”

Author cwruathenianPosted on November 6, 2013November 6, 2013No comment Letter from the Editor

Letter from the Editor

As a kid, I remember always wanting to go to a Black Friday sale. Even now, I couldn’t tell you what it was that drove the strange urge. It could … Read More “Letter from the Editor”

Author cwruathenianPosted on November 6, 2013No comment Chick-Fil-A and Barilla form discrimination federation

Chick-Fil-A and Barilla form discrimination federation

Reported by Ellie Rambo This month, the first combination Chick-Fil-A and Barilla restaurant will open its doors to the homophobic chicken-eating masses. The two companies teamed up because, in the … Read More “Chick-Fil-A and Barilla form discrimination federation”

Author cwruathenianPosted on November 6, 2013No comment Fanatics against Black Friday

Fanatics against Black Friday

Reported by Anastazia Vanisko At 5:00 p.m. Thanksgiving evening, a group of highly motivated religious zealots camped outside K-Mart and refused to leave. They claimed to be attempting to put … Read More “Fanatics against Black Friday”

Author cwruathenianPosted on November 6, 2013No comment Celebrity Voices: Rebecca Black Friday

Celebrity Voices: Rebecca Black Friday

Reported by Tejas Joshi For today’s issue, esteemed musical talent Rebecca Black thoughtfully provided readers with a rare glance into her mind during her very unique Fridays: Oh my god! … Read More “Celebrity Voices: Rebecca Black Friday”

Author cwruathenianPosted on November 6, 2013No comment Black Friday to combine with the black market due to governmental PR campaign

Black Friday to combine with the black market due to governmental PR campaign

Reported by Hallie Dolin The wildly unpopular government shutdown has left House Speaker John Boehner with a problem. Somewhat unfortunately, it is one problem he never saw coming: No one … Read More “Black Friday to combine with the black market due to governmental PR campaign”

Author cwruathenianPosted on November 6, 2013No comment How to prepare for Black Friday

How to prepare for Black Friday

Compiled by Kushagra Gupta In life, it’s important to be prepared. Such words of wisdom can be of no greater importance than when applied to Black Friday. While it may … Read More “How to prepare for Black Friday”

Author cwruathenianPosted on November 6, 2013No comment Redefining why we give thanks

Redefining why we give thanks

Kayla’s Worldly Intentions- Kayla DeVault Thanksgiving is not an uncommon holiday around the world. Most days dedicated to grace and being thankful are days left to reflect on the positive … Read More “Redefining why we give thanks”

Author cwruathenianPosted on November 6, 2013No comment How will CWRU celebrate Cyber Monday?

How will CWRU celebrate Cyber Monday?

Reported by Sarah Whelan CWRU students are notorious for being scared to death from all of the stories of the hordes, death, catastrophe and (worse yet) limited personal space provided … Read More “How will CWRU celebrate Cyber Monday?”

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