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Issue 71

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Chick-Fil-A and Barilla form discrimination federation

Reported by Ellie Rambo This month, the first combination Chick-Fil-A and Barilla restaurant will open its doors to the homophobic chicken-eating masses. The two companies teamed up because, in the words of one CEO, “we deserve each other.” The new blended chain will serve bigotry alongside chicken and pasta dishes. […]

Mufasa dies in stampede of Black Friday shoppers; Simba grieves

Reported by Josephus E. Tinnertink McDuffle Simba couldn’t wait to be king; now, the position is his to fill after the tragic events of Black Friday. The Royal Family of Pride Rock fell into a financial crunch a few years ago, when prey began to recede into the jungles of […]

The Future of Black Friday

In the early twenty-second century, mankind turned to the stars for refuge from a broken world. What had once been an adventure driven by simple curiosity was now a desperate search for a new home. The ships carrying man were scattered among the stars and colonies emerged on distant, unfamiliar […]

The Johnson Family’s Black Friday Vacation

Written by Alex Aloi To say that the mall was full of people would have been an understatement: The management feared that if any more entered, flailing limbs would be dangling from burst windows. To say that people were angry would also have been an understatement. Of all the voices […]

Price Slasher remains at large

Reported by Tejas Joshi, press association Police have received reports that the enigmatic Price Slasher, wanted in connection with millions of slashing incidents, is still at large in the Cleveland area. This notorious serial criminal has terrorized shops year-round for decades, but taunts the authorities by going on a crime […]

CWRU tuition funding faculty Thanksgiving dinner

Reported by River Tam Thanks to diligent student reporter efforts, The Athenian has uncovered budget records revealing that 14.3 percent of the CWRU budget is annually allocated toward a lavish Thanksgiving dinner for faculty and administration. This year’s tuition increase was needed after the choice of Michael Symon for caterer, […]

Sheep Marketplace: The New World of Drugs

Following October’s FBI crackdown and shutdown on “Silk Road,” an anonymous online, international marketplace for the drug trade, new contenders are springing up everywhere. None, however, are rising as quickly as “Sheep Marketplace,” whose slogan proclaims “Pop your pills like Reddy Freddy!” Reddy Freddy, a communist sheep, is the web […]

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Letter from the Editor

As a kid, I remember always wanting to go to a Black Friday sale. Even now, I couldn’t tell you what it was that drove the strange urge. It could have been true eagerness for that one of a kind deal, or to experience the chaos for myself, or to […]

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Chick-Fil-A and Barilla form discrimination federation

Reported by Ellie Rambo This month, the first combination Chick-Fil-A and Barilla restaurant will open its doors to the homophobic chicken-eating masses. The two companies teamed up because, in the words of one CEO, “we deserve each other.” The new blended chain will serve bigotry alongside chicken and pasta dishes. […]

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Fanatics against Black Friday

Reported by Anastazia Vanisko At 5:00 p.m. Thanksgiving evening, a group of highly motivated religious zealots camped outside K-Mart and refused to leave. They claimed to be attempting to put a stop to the Black Friday shopping that was to begin that night. The zealots, who refused to identify themselves […]

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Celebrity Voices: Rebecca Black Friday

Reported by Tejas Joshi For today’s issue, esteemed musical talent Rebecca Black thoughtfully provided readers with a rare glance into her mind during her very unique Fridays: Oh my god! I love waking up for school today because it’s Friday! Usually I set my alarm early, but I don’t wait […]

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Black Friday to combine with the black market due to governmental PR campaign

Reported by Hallie Dolin The wildly unpopular government shutdown has left House Speaker John Boehner with a problem. Somewhat unfortunately, it is one problem he never saw coming: No one likes him. After weeks looking for a solution, he has found the answer – to shift the focus somewhere else. […]

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How to prepare for Black Friday

Compiled by Kushagra Gupta In life, it’s important to be prepared. Such words of wisdom can be of no greater importance than when applied to Black Friday. While it may not be obvious at first, the typical daily lessons a college student learns are actually applicable to the holiday of […]

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Redefining why we give thanks

Kayla’s Worldly Intentions- Kayla DeVault Thanksgiving is not an uncommon holiday around the world. Most days dedicated to grace and being thankful are days left to reflect on the positive aspects of life. It’s kind of a way to justify saying “Look how good we’ve got it” whether or not […]

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How will CWRU celebrate Cyber Monday?

Reported by Sarah Whelan CWRU students are notorious for being scared to death from all of the stories of the hordes, death, catastrophe and (worse yet) limited personal space provided by Black Friday. From year to year, University Hospitals are greeted by outlandish stories of homework eating books and professors […]