11111 Euclid Avenue, Cleveland OH 44106

Issue 72

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Cleveland’s Museum of Contemporary Art (MOCA) isn’t so contemporary anymore

Reported by Josephus E. Tinnertink McDuffle Cleveland’s Museum of Contemporary Art (MOCA) isn’t so contemporary anymore. Surrounded by 20-story Falafel monoliths and underground Case Western dormitory tunnels, the block of shiny black glass seems in the way and out of place. Most neighbors of the building are disgruntled. “It’s 2112,” […]

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Fears come true: Man marries cat in elaborate ceremony

Reported by Littelfot Brontasor 3000 C.E.: Breaking news from Portland, OR, Hotbed of Liberal godlessness Wedding announcements showered the city this week in the wake of Portland’s new legalization of interspecies marriage. The first couple to celebrate the new law was Grant Powell, 38, and his cat Chibbles. Lawmakers cited […]

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What will CWRU look like in the future?

The Athenian staff was gathered  in the University Media Board Office of Thwing, playing racquetball off the walls while brainstorming ideas for the next issue, when a sudden crack rang out. After celebrating a successful trick shot, a staff member turned back to the table and noticed that a silver […]

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An early winter science roundup

Trust Me, I’m A Scientist- Evan Martin About two months ago I got my first smartphone and it took me about half an hour to forget ever living without it. Then, a couple of weeks later, something occurred to me: “Holy shit, kids who are 5 years old or younger […]

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Lunar Bay – The New Gitmo

Reported by River Tam 69 presidents in United States history have vowed to close the prison of Guantanamo Bay—it was a loophole in the revered ideals of justice in America. But it wasn’t until last year that liberty lovers everywhere could rejoice when the island’s containment and torture facilities were […]

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Apple and Samsung escalate conflict

Reported by Kyle Berkowitz After several decades of legal battles arising from frustratingly inconsistent copyright laws on Earth, Samsung and Apple have taken matters into their own hands. Each corporation calculated that it would be cheaper and faster to settle their quarrel outside of the legal system. Both companies have […]

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Google SmartCar crashes; Experts say Google Glass to blame

Reported by Bill Lohny Smart cars: they’re compact, fuel efficient and all too easy to destroy. It seems that not even artificially intelligent drivers can save these tiny vehicles after a Google Smart Car™ swerved off a residential road and into a stop sign earlier today. Google’s computer-controlled car was […]

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Cleveland’s Greatest Day

A piercing alarm went off in Harold Chapman’s room. “Good morning, Harold!” sounded a robotic voice. “It’s Harry,” he grumbled, his voice croaky from just five hours of sleep, as he crawled out of the cot. It was Wednesday, Dec. 15—the 478th day of Harry’s work on Neo Cleveland. He […]

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Your guide to getting busy on Mars

Faxed through by Swisgar Wartooth, the Love Doctor Greetings from the future, Earthlings! I assume that you’re Earthlings, as this column is addressed to the millennial generation of the early 21st century. Allow me to introduce myself: I am Swisgar Wartooth, of the planet Dethklok, but ‘round these parts of […]

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[ The Legacy of The Tale of Genji ]

Well, There Goes Japan- Shinichi Atatakakunakattakara People are often concerned about what the future will bring. What sort of technologies and advancements will we make in the coming years? Can we establish lasting peace? What new developments will restructure the very way we conceptualize our lives? People point to technologies […]

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“The Room” named greatest movie of last thousand years

eported by Emil Hufflenutz Last week, at the 1000th Academy Awards, “The Room,” a classic drama from the year 2003, was awarded the Oscar for Best Film of the Millenium. The film was written and directed by Sir Tommy Wiseau, who also appears as the tragic hero Johnny. The film […]

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Ewoks: the new warm fuzzy feeling that everyone wants

Reported by Anastazia Vanisko In the not-so-distant future, in a land not-so-far away, Ewoks have become a highly prized Valentine’s Day gift. Is this just a fad or are Ewoks here to stay? Their popularity continues to grow with no signs of abating. It seems those squished and furry faces […]

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NSA spying leads to World War IV: International officials’ browser and text message histories revealed

Compiled by staff reports and surveillance  While United States intelligence agencies have long been told, among other colorful warnings from around the world, to “bugger off,” they haven’t faced consequences for tracking the movements of everyone on the planet until now. In an unprecedented move, 67 countries have allied against […]

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George Bush III to join Lunar Orbital Guard; public opinion mixed

Reported by Hallie Dolin This past Monday, it was announced that a draft for soldiers would be reinstated for the Martian War. This decision has impacted families from around the globe – even the families of United States are feeling the sting. Somewhere in the Bush family compound, a family […]

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Industry giant promises to revolutionize gaming world

Reported by Sarah Whelan At today’s E4 Technology Conference, tech giant Vir-Real-Tual unveiled a new tech toy they claim will ignite and revolutionize the gaming industry. Advancements in the gaming industry ground to a halt after the perfection of fully-immersive virtual reality. Although modern gamers have access to complete virtual […]