Issue 72

Reported by Josephus E. Tinnertink McDuffle Cleveland’s Museum of Contemporary Art (MOCA) isn’t so contemporary anymore. Surrounded by 20-story Falafel monoliths and underground Case Western dormitory tunnels, the block of … Read More “Cleveland’s Museum of Contemporary Art (MOCA) isn’t so contemporary anymore”

Reported by Littelfot Brontasor 3000 C.E.: Breaking news from Portland, OR, Hotbed of Liberal godlessness Wedding announcements showered the city this week in the wake of Portland’s new legalization of … Read More “Fears come true: Man marries cat in elaborate ceremony”

The Athenian staff was gathered  in the University Media Board Office of Thwing, playing racquetball off the walls while brainstorming ideas for the next issue, when a sudden crack rang … Read More “What will CWRU look like in the future?”

Trust Me, I’m A Scientist- Evan Martin About two months ago I got my first smartphone and it took me about half an hour to forget ever living without it. … Read More “An early winter science roundup”

Reported by River Tam 69 presidents in United States history have vowed to close the prison of Guantanamo Bay—it was a loophole in the revered ideals of justice in America. … Read More “Lunar Bay – The New Gitmo”

Reported by Kyle Berkowitz After several decades of legal battles arising from frustratingly inconsistent copyright laws on Earth, Samsung and Apple have taken matters into their own hands. Each corporation … Read More “Apple and Samsung escalate conflict”

Reported by Bill Lohny Smart cars: they’re compact, fuel efficient and all too easy to destroy. It seems that not even artificially intelligent drivers can save these tiny vehicles after … Read More “Google SmartCar crashes; Experts say Google Glass to blame”

A piercing alarm went off in Harold Chapman’s room. “Good morning, Harold!” sounded a robotic voice. “It’s Harry,” he grumbled, his voice croaky from just five hours of sleep, as … Read More “Cleveland’s Greatest Day”

Faxed through by Swisgar Wartooth, the Love Doctor Greetings from the future, Earthlings! I assume that you’re Earthlings, as this column is addressed to the millennial generation of the early … Read More “Your guide to getting busy on Mars”

Well, There Goes Japan- Shinichi Atatakakunakattakara People are often concerned about what the future will bring. What sort of technologies and advancements will we make in the coming years? Can … Read More “[ The Legacy of The Tale of Genji ]”

eported by Emil Hufflenutz Last week, at the 1000th Academy Awards, “The Room,” a classic drama from the year 2003, was awarded the Oscar for Best Film of the Millenium. … Read More ““The Room” named greatest movie of last thousand years”

Reported by Anastazia Vanisko In the not-so-distant future, in a land not-so-far away, Ewoks have become a highly prized Valentine’s Day gift. Is this just a fad or are Ewoks … Read More “Ewoks: the new warm fuzzy feeling that everyone wants”

Compiled by staff reports and surveillance  While United States intelligence agencies have long been told, among other colorful warnings from around the world, to “bugger off,” they haven’t faced consequences … Read More “NSA spying leads to World War IV: International officials’ browser and text message histories revealed”

Reported by Hallie Dolin This past Monday, it was announced that a draft for soldiers would be reinstated for the Martian War. This decision has impacted families from around the … Read More “George Bush III to join Lunar Orbital Guard; public opinion mixed”

Reported by Sarah Whelan At today’s E4 Technology Conference, tech giant Vir-Real-Tual unveiled a new tech toy they claim will ignite and revolutionize the gaming industry. Advancements in the gaming … Read More “Industry giant promises to revolutionize gaming world”