11111 Euclid Avenue, Cleveland OH 44106

Issue 73

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Have you ever wondered what it would be like to find The One?

Reported by Josephus E. Tinnertink-McDuffle It began as just another bus ride for Ferdinand Schwitter. Schwitter was on his way to work at Auntie Anne’s in the Tower City food court, as he did every weekday. He took a seat towards the back of the bus, and stuck in a […]

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Jealousy: Turning saints into the sea

Written by Marisa Neel  As a recently recovered jealous-aholic, I have some valuable advice to share on how being jealous of others is just a state of mind that can easily be overcome. …But forget that. Has someone dumped you? Do you just want to make them see what they’re […]

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HIMYM’s Ted and Whatsherface heading towards a divorce

“How I Met Your Mother” Season 9 Finale, Episode 24 Sneak “Preview” | Written by Julia Bianco Many have been eagerly anticipating the last season of How I Met Your Mother (HIMYM) for quite some time. From the beginning in 2005, we have waited impatiently for the feared anticlimactic unmasking […]

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Werewolves, vampires and angels collide

“Bethy and the Moon Creatures” by  Sylvania Plaque | Review by River Tam With the explosion in popularity of the “Teen Paranormal Romance” shelf at every Barnes & Noble, it was only a matter of time before a true gem emerged from the bunch. This reviewer was thrilled from head […]

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A college breakup: Why it was never meant to be

Transcribed by John Rambo As this Athenian reporter sat down to take a lunch break in Leutner dining hall in the week before this issue, an impromptu interview of sorts presented itself. (And by interview, we mean a phone call eavesdropping session.) The caller wasn’t aware of the avid notes […]

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Six animals whose sex lives make breakups seem pretty okay

With the last of the Christmas decorations taken down everywhere except the most Jesusly of towns, it’s easy to get depressed this time of year. Around this time every year, we’re reminded of this fact by various news media pointlessly debating which day of the year is scientifically proven to […]

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Revenge is always a dish best served cold.

Whether you’re in a committed relationship or you’re currently single, you’ve likely gone through a breakup. Your former significant other seemed like the perfect match when you first met them. Then one day the fog lifted and you saw them for what they really were – a fire-breathing dragon burning […]

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Earning the title of “Worst Date Ever”

Written by Kyle Berkowitz My friend Allie from high school has the most wonderful personality. I absolutely adore her, and so does anybody who is genuine enough to look past her unfortunate physical attributes and takes the time to get to know her. Allie is and may always be the […]

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Texas is finally done — Tensions rising; relationship “unhealthy”

Reported by Anastazia Vanisko Unsurprisingly, Texas has once again decided to break away from the Union. According to the state, the Union made too many unfulfilled promises, and Texas is not going to put up with that behavior anymore. Ever since Texas’s threats of secession two years ago, its relationship […]

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Taylor Swift to tie the know, shocks the nation

Reported by Hallie Dolin Conor Kennedy. Jake Gyllenhaal. Joe Jonas. John Mayer. Harry Styles. Taylor Lautner. The Swamp Thing. What do all of these unfortunate creatures have in common? Pop culture aficionados, and anyone who hasn’t been living under a rock for the past five years, will know the answer: […]

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One Direction gone: Mass panic ensues

Reported by Josephus E. Tinnertink-McDuffle “You don’t know you’re beautiful!” Pop band One Direction uttered this verse to crowds larger than the population of Cleveland in Cleveland last Tuesday. However, the hit song will never be heard again due to a tragic accident that occurred shortly after the phrase hit […]

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When Life Gives You Eggs…

Kayla’s Worldly Intentions — Kayla DeVault Valentine’s Day seems to render two distinctly different emotions: excitement and dread. If you’ve got someone and you’re anxious for whatever surprises you’ll get or give, then you’re probably bubbling with excitement for the one day of the year that you might actually feel […]

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Canada readying to politely leave the continent; USA dismisses any concerns

Reported by Sarah Whelan “Um, America? Yeah…I decided to leave North America… I hope that’s okay. No hard feelings? Still friends? Okay, sorry aboot all this, bye.” “Did you say something, Canada?” In recently ignored news, many Canadians have emerged from their igloos to renounce their prestigious title as the […]

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50 reasons why I’m breaking up with CWRU

… from a graduating senior. To put it simply, CWRU, things are just not working out. This is my list of why I’m dumping you: 1. Your solution to subzero temperatures is extra Greenies, but you forget to add shuttles to an entire residential village. 2. You don’t see the problem […]

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Jack Daniels breaks up with Coke

Written by Doug Oswald It is the college night life scandal of the century: Jack and Coke, the iconic and ubiquitous combination of Coca-Cola Classic and the easy to drink but still serious Jack Daniel’s Whiskey, have officially broken off their long-term relationship. Has Coke, depressed from still being excluded […]