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Issue 79

2016 Presidential Elections: Looking Forward

Sabanrab Bocaj As the 2016 presidential elections loom around the corner, get up-to-date on some of the top figures likely to enter the race: 1. Hillary Clinton A former first lady, New York senator and Secretary of State, Hillary Clinton has a wealth of political experience. One of her key […]

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Athenian Exclusive: Thousands of New Scholarships Available to CWRU Students

Raff Steporter CLEVELAND, OH – Citing the rising cost of college tuition, Case Western Reserve University announced today, in partnership with several notable university donors, a new series of scholarships aimed to help all students at the university, irrespective of financial and academic standing. “This truly is something that will […]

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CWRU’s 2014 Graduation Speech Honored Student Thanks Procrastination

Staff Reporter Following is the transcript of speech given by a real CWRU student who graduated summa cum laude: “Good morning, everyone. This surely is a momentous occasion, this occasion of our graduation, graduation of our class of 20—what year is it? Er, anyways, I would like to recognize several […]

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Basicness Infects CWRU

Sally Mayfield  CLEVELAND, OH – Basic girl Paige Hansen showed up late to her 10:30 a.m. class last Friday because she could not find her UGG boots. However, local witness reports confirm that she apparently had time to pose for a picture with an arm on her hip and filter […]

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Vicious Cycle of Laziness

Story by Jessica Chalas and Photos By Andrew Hodowanec Change Clothes As far as students are concerned, clothes are an unnecessary formality. Why would anyone in their right mind trade comfy, checkered pajama bottoms for a tight pair of jeans, and then go through the trouble of matching a t-shirt and […]

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Tips to Avoid Doing Homework

Jessica Chalas 1) Sign up for club mailing lists every chance you get, then check your email five to 10 times a day. 2) Go all out for holidays. (For instance, Halloween preparation should have included knitting a costume and transforming your residential building into a haunted house.) 3) Call […]

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Fall 2014 SAGES Lazy Award

Staff Reporter Each semester, the SAGES department honors one CWRU student for their strong commitment to writing their academic papers last minute. Below is the essay of the recipient of the Fall 2014 SAGES Lazy Award. Music to the Soul(title in progress) What is the meaning of life? This question […]

App Automatically Presses Snooze Button: Revolutionary New Alarm Clock That Understands College Life

Aaron Shang In a bold move already drawing praise from students nationwide, Cleveland startup company Life Hack has unveiled a new alarm clock app—one that is programmed to maximize the amount of sleep that owners receive. The new app, aptly termed the “Salvation Clock,” renders nearly all existing alarms obsolete […]

Freshman Goes Crazy Over Snow: Excitement Lasts One Minute

Anastazia Vanisko When Mia Kahana, a freshman at Case Western Reserve University, saw snow for the first time, she was mesmerized. “What is this beautiful…… STUFF???” she cried. Her roommate informed her it was called “snow,” and Kahana developed a minute long obsession. During that minute, she was blissful, frolicking […]