Issue 83
Squirrels Illustrated
Annie Nickoloff, Editor-in-Chief
Bring Back Summer
Beth Magid
Netflix Withdrawal Disorder a serious issue for returning students
Julia Bianco Alex White is desperately trying to click to the next episode, but no matter how many times she jabs her finger down, nothing happens. She is on the verge of tears; she doesn’t know what to do next or how to live in this world without the ability […]
Man receives email from Nigerian prince, turns out to be real
Sabanrab Bocaj Ralph Johnson, a Cleveland resident, recently received an email from a sender who identified himself as an imprisoned Nigerian prince with massive oil holdings in the Bight of Benin. The sender claimed that he wanted to escape his life of prosperity because of the social pressures of his […]
Shiz freshmen say
Jessica Chalas It’s a new year at CWRU. The birds are singing, the bees are buzzing, and the freshmen are talking. Listen closely as they… …Overestimate Their Abilities “I’m majoring in biomedical engineering, pre-med.” “I’m majoring in mechanical engineering and psychology, with a minor in Spanish and accounting.” “I’m […]
How to be funny
Lindsey Jacobs, Part-time McDonald’s employee Would you like to be a comedy writer? Of course you don’t! Here are some reasons why: You enjoy the prospect of making an actual living. You want health insurance. You do enough writing in SAGES. Your mother is the only person who thinks you […]
Returning student claims again, “This will be the year!”
Mahima Devarajan Cleveland, OH— Peter Johnstol, rising junior at Case Western Reserve University, recently made the claim that “This will be the year!” Like several students his age, Johnson has made this claim for the seventh year in a row. In an interview last Thursday, Johnstol spoke enthusiastically about […]
Local area man hasn’t looked up what Benghazi is yet, not about to start now
Tejas Joshi, Journalist (rated 4 stars on Yelp) San Diego— Citing the large number of office conversations, newspaper articles and television shows referencing Benghazi which he has already somehow missed, local area man Glenn Schmitt stated to reporters today that “it just doesn’t make sense to look it up now.” […]
Examining CWRU’s tuition spending
Tejas Joshi, Award-winning statistician and clam-breeder The vast majority of students (see exceptions below) were upset last semester by Provost and Executive Vice President William A. “Bud” Baeslack III’s announcement that undergraduate tuition is increasing by 3.25 percent to $44,160, and many wondered where that extra money will go. Naturally, […]
New names for Cleveland Indians leaked
Mike McKenna After experiencing protests against their name and incredibly racist mascot, Chief Wahoo, the Cleveland Indians have begun searching for new team image. In an exclusive report, The Athenian obtained the top four choices for a new name and mascot for Cleveland’s baseball team. The Cleveland Patchy Squirrels […]
Local man mistakes barista for someone who gives a damn
Sam Musilli Cleveland Heights— An inviting “good morning,” a smiley face sticker on her name badge and a generic inquiry with respect to his day are just a few of the things that led Barnie Webster, 37, to mistake barista Ashley Fischer, 19, as someone who actually gave a damn […]
Welcome, Freshmen!
Riddhi Patel Welcome all rising freshmen to Case Western Reserve University. You are the Class of 2019 and you all have accomplished many great feats besides picking a school in Cleveland, OH, where the sun does not shine too often and Chipotle does not deliver. We have so many remarkable […]
An open letter considering Pluto
Farah Rahman Dear Earth, To be honest, I’m confused. I’m really not sure where we stand. You’re hot then you’re cold (I prefer cold) and I’m constantly getting mixed signals about our relationship. Let me explain further. It all started when you discovered me 40 years ago and named me […]