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Issue 85


Historians discover that Columbus was actually a good guy

Staff Reporter CLEVELAND, OH- High school teacher Sally Peterson told reporters yesterday that Christopher Columbus was not who they thought he was. Students from first grade through sixth grade are taught that the great Christopher Columbus was a brilliant Italian navigator who sailed the ocean blue and proved the earth […]


The New Residence Hall is Broken

Barnabas Brennan Disclaimer: I wanted to make up some amusing jokes, but most of this is really just what residents have shown me or told me about. In the spring, a skeleton arose on the corner of E 115th Street and Wade Park, and all of a sudden, there was […]

Skype interview takes devastating turn for the worst

Anastazia Vanisko A Case Western Reserve University student was recently humiliated during a Skype interview with the company of his dreams when his interviewer asked him to stand during the interview. Not expecting this tragic turn of events, the student was wearing only boxers. The student, who wished to remain […]


Case orders shipment of ivy to increase prestige

Eric Polhemus This last Monday, Case Western Reserve University received two tons of fully grown English ivy, which will be shipped and glued to the walls of numerous buildings across campus over the course of the next two weeks. The installation of the ivy is intended to increase the prestige […]

The Athenian’s Student Spotlight

Alaina Lisanti “When I was but a boy, in days of youth, My father brought me into London town To listen to a trav’ling music troupe. He inquired of me, “Son, when thou art grown, Wilt thou become the savior of the broke, They who are crushed or beaten, they, […]

8 Things to Do for a Fancy Thanksgiving as a Poor College Student

Riddhi Patel College is tough, especially when you have to spend Thanksgiving away from home. Everyone in your family is most likely enjoying a scrumptious dinner that took several days to prepare while you are shuffling through your drawers for another night of Cup O’ Noodles. You plan to sit […]


Urban Dictionary…For the fancy

Anne Nickoloff, Editor in Chief For fancy people, the world can be a frightening place. Words we are unaccustomed to can sound like a foreign language, and navigating the sidewalks of any major city can be filled with confusion and disgust. Here is a handy guide for the top one percent to get through a […]


New campus transportation service launches

Paul Palumbo A new service has opened on Case Western Reserve University campus that is designed for students who are sick and tired of having to walk to class all the time. The service is called “First Class Flights,” and students who pay the monthly fee have unlimited access to […]


CaseCash funneled through offshore bank accounts

Michael Codega In shocking national news, Case Western Reserve University has come under investigation by the Securities and Exchange Commission (SEC) for high volume money laundering. There is also strong evidence that the FBI has joined the investigation. The precise nature of the investigation is unclear as the SEC has […]

CWRU hosts 50th annual Alumni Donor Penis Size competition

Staff Reporter For the past 50 years, Case Western Reserve University has graciously hosted the Alumni Donor penis size competition, where the wealthy benefactors of our school donate ludicrous sums of money directly proportional to their penis size. CWRU uses the façade of malleability to financially well-established alumni to hide […]


Fourth graders outraged when they find out they don’t have to use cursive

Bhargavee Gnanasambandam A little hand moves slowly on the paper, etching each and every little part of the letter. A little bead of sweat drips slowly from his forehead. The graphite on his pencil moves slowly against the paper. Must. Get. The. Perfect. Letter. He looks down at his papers, […]