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Issue 85

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Denny’s quarterly earnings report: New changes introduced

Adam Erlichman Denny’s All Nighter, a mainstay of freshmen shitlords on Case Western Reserve University’s campus, has revealed their most recent earnings, and the results aren’t good. The collective decrease in revenue was their first in the last seven years on CWRU’s campus. Though much speculation is in play, there […]

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An in-depth look at the best fashion trends with the similarities and differences of:

Letty Dornfeld Tuxedos People ask if you’re related to the penguin. Your crystal glass is filled with mint-flavored Chardonnay milked from the purebred unicorns in your stables.   You’re off to the Metropolitan Opera to meet with your rival crime lords in a summit (but now you regret wearing your […]

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“Life is hard.”

Socialite shocked by realities of College Life Steve Kerby “I’m still, like, in shock. And there’s no butler to help me,” complains Linda Blair, first-year, motioning around to the common room of her residence hall. After moving in at the beginning of the year, self-entitled socialite Linda Blair started compiling […]

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Unprecedented study reveals that people who listen to country music don’t know what “unprecedented” means

By Staff Reporter CLEVELAND, OH- Inspired by a recent study showing Donald Trump supporters have the worst grammar out of any other voting group, a study was recently conducted to further understand more about this and similar demographics. This groundbreaking study revealed that people who listen to country music possessed […]

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News for the one percent

“The World” project shows that hard work and perseverance pays off Caleb Diaz The 2008 financial crisis was one of the worst economic recessions in history. Something like 99 percent of the world was crippled, but the one percent survived and thrived. Now, they are resuming a project: an archipelago […]

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Americans proudly defend 22nd Amendment

Tejas Joshi WASHINGTON, D.C.—This November, Americans from all around the country gathered at the National Mall to commemorate 65 years of successfully defending the 22nd Amendment. Supporters reaffirmed their commitment to the important piece of legislation which set a term limit for election and total time of service on the […]