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Issue 88

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Falling in love with a furry: How I got ringworm

Lucy Wan The morning after Valentine’s Day, I woke up with an itchy, flaky ring on my forehead and a stranger in my bed. My social anxiety prevented me from picking up the phone and calling my doctor, so I went on WebMD instead. Ignoring the daily symptoms of “craving […]

Dating Advice

Jessica Chalas Photos By Barnabas Brennan   Have you ever started flirting with a girl and partway through your clever one-liner, she and her friends are staring at you like you have a parrot on your shoulder? Or maybe you planned a cute movie night for Friday, but when you […]

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Find the aminals Crossword

Julia Bianco AUNTEATER BARE CROCODIAL DEAR EEMOO FRAHG GRAYP HYPPOCAMPUS IGGYAZALEA JELLYPHISH KAT LADIEBUG MOOZE NARWALL OTTRE PELLYCAN QIRAFFE REBBET SNAYK TARANTUBLAH UCTOPAS VULLTUHRE WYZERD XYLOKERP YACK ZEEBRA

Peta

Letty Dornfield

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NSA no longer accepts “to get to the other side” as a reason to cross the border

Anonymous Source After a record-breaking number of chickens cited “to get to the other side” as their reason for crossing the U.S.-Mexico border, the National Security Agency (NSA) decided to revoke the passports of all chickens leaving the United States of America. American chickens are valued most for their undesirable […]

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Wealthy Saudi Prince gets mad for no longer being able to buy animals

Bhargavee Gnanasambandam In a recent interview with Saudi prince Muhammed Allahhuakhmed Akbar Malik, the extravagantly dressed prince stated his clear annoyance towards his financial advisors who recommended that he stop using the endangered species list when buying new pets. With an extensive collection ranging from the Yangtze finless porpoise to […]

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The birds and the bees – Explained!

Slar’rgron Baxla The method by which humans reproduce is neither complicated nor extraordinary, and yet children and even some adults harbor great confusion and misconceptions about the process. The Athenian is tasked with educating the public on this issue, which is most crucial to the survival and wellbeing of the […]