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Issue 88

Village to start charging mice for room and boarding

Riddhi Patel He is fat. He is furry. And he loves cheese. He is also your new roommate, and he is a mouse. That is right: you are about to have your housing costs split in two because of a little furry fellow – or two. It is no secret […]


Review: Hamilton hogs the theater

Paul Palumbo These days there seem to be a lot of people that insist there’s nothing interesting about history. Here to counter that assertion is the new musical sensation that’s sweeping the nation: “Hamilton”! Taking place during the first few years of the United States, “Hamilton” focuses on Alexander Hamilton, […]


People that are going endangered

Jahlyn Reyes-McKinley, Resident Nostalgia Correspondent and Professional Old People Translator Ladies and gentlemen, tonight I bring to your attention one of the most alarming crisis of this day and age. Your kid is doing it, your dog is doing it, even you’re doing it: changing. Is the presence of this […]

CWRU names Michelson-Morley experiment new mascot

Steve Kerby Following a week of intense debate between the University Program Board (UPB), the administration and irate alumni, university president Barbara Snyder announced a new mascot for use in school functions and sporting events, to replace the Spartan that has represented the university for some years now.   “It […]

A conversation with the chicken who crossed the road

Josephus E. Tinkerdink McDuffle We’ve all heard the punchline, but we haven’t heard the story; at least, not like this. Recently, The Athenian had the opportunity to sit down with the chicken who crossed the road and ask her the questions we’ve been yearning to have answers to for years. […]



Michael Codega SAHARA DESERT, SUDAN- The east Sahara has been in stir recently, with watering holes everywhere blocked by protesting hippos. These hippos are attempting to draw attention to their cause. Being forced to hear the protestors in order to hydrate themselves, many feel the hippos are employing aggressive, but […]

Ted Cruz reincarnated as a centipede

Sabanrab Bocaj Even after Senator Ted Cruz’s success at the Iowa caucus, many Republicans still had differing opinions on whether he would win the GOP nomination. However, both supporters and opponents from within and outside the party equally mourned his recent death. Even Donald Trump had fond words to share […]


Election 2016: Democrats break out in cat fights while Republicans actually get to debate

Katherine Starr Conchcord, New Hamstershire一Toadal pandamonium ensued at the latest Democratic debate. Within 20 minnowets of the debate, voters couldn’t help but screech their BuzzFeed facts and opinions over the debaters. The herd of foal voters accused Cillary Hinton of being an elephant in donkey clothing, while the brood of […]