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Issue 90

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Dead Representative’s seat vacated

Steve Kerby The long career of Representative Carter Obery (D-MI) was brought to a dramatic close on March 26 when an intern noticed upon delivering coffee to him on the House floor that he was not breathing. Obery, 87, was halfway through his 22nd consecutive term in the House. Once […]

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Major Discrimination Leads to Outcry and Decline in NSF Funding

Director of NSF threatens to remove NSF funding from researchers who discriminate against humanities. Justo Karell Not racial, religious, gender nor sexual discrimination – rather, the major form of discrimination on colleges is, according to recent surveys, major discrimination. That is, discrimination against someone based on their major. Surveys on […]

Old Man Out of Touch with Reality

  Tejas “Tim” Joshi Blogger I was attending my congregation’s Sunday church service this past week when a rumpled old man burst in through a side door. I admired his zeal in rushing to praise the Lord, although I admit the steady stream of uniformed police officers and camera- wielding […]

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Patriotic restaurant fight leads to injury

Bhargavee Gnanasambandam John ‘Merica’ Smith was rushed to the hospital earlier this week for stress-related medical conditions after he discovered that his neighbor, Mr. Johnny America, was clearly more American than him. Smith was brought up in hillbilly land way in the depths of the country where they still have […]

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Every single rising CWRU freshmen is ⅛ Cherokee

Rising freshman class is the most diverse CWRU  has ever seen Caleb Diaz In the past few weeks, I’ve had the pleasure of meeting some of the brightest prospective students that CWRU has ever seen. Some are brilliant artists, mathematicians or basket-weavers. They come from various diverse parts of the […]

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I have money, I am the one percent

Rocky Drumpf Some people have money, and some people don’t. I happen to. That’s why they call me the one percent. Recently, we have heard a lot about the “one percent” in the media, but rarely from the perspective of the actual one percenters. The media doesn’t actually understand us–they […]

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Cable providers to release 319 million new channels, one for every American

Sabanrab Bocaj People love reality TV. It’s the best thing since that time sliced bread had to live in a single family flat for a week with other baked goods. People like laughing at and living vicariously through the lives of these ridiculous reality TV characters, who can act childish […]