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Issue 92


WAKE UP SHEEPLE!: You’re not even alive.

An Urgent Message from Jahlyn Reyes-McKinley, President of the Tin Foil Hat Society Have you ever taken a walk on the beach on a nice day? Sun in your hair, sand everywhere, waves dancing with your feet? Just as you’re about to leave you marvel at the endless stretch of […]


Revealed: Walmart’s Secret Menu

Erin Hartmann People either go to Walmart to get everyday items at low prices or to see people your mom tells you to stay away from. However a company representative has recently let slip that the company, despite its lackluster and less than impressive display of items on the shelves […]


Top Five Ways to Slow Down Time

Paul Palumbo As a college campus, CWRU is capable of performing all kinds of temporal mischief. Obviously time flies when you’re having fun, but what are some ways to make Cronos take it nice and slow? Horrible Classes – The easiest way to slow time is to find a class that […]


Using five extra minutes effectively

Daniel Kessler We have just received word from Case Western Reserve University administration regarding changes in class schedules. We now have a 15 minute block between consecutive classes, a 50 percent increase. This generous gift opens up a plethora of activities after a healthy dose of Reddit browsing in Strosacker. […]

Man not sure if argument salvageable, but determined to try anyway

Evelyn Turner, Part-time Court Reporter Area man David Blake began his day the normal way: woke up; brushed his teeth, his hair and his cat; and proceeded to an early breakfast. Arriving at Peet’s Coffee, he ordered an espresso to go. A portly, middle-aged gentleman stood in front of him. […]


An Open Letter to the Loading Bar

Dear Loading Bar, I am just not sure that what you are doing is right for the world anymore. Your intentions seem pure. It really does look like you are trying to help. For as long as people have been completing tasks we have wondered how long tasks are going […]


Five Words that Only Millennials Know: Valuable knowledge Everyone Else is Missing

Alaina Lisanti Things may seem bleak with temperatures at an all-time high and politics at an all-time low, but look on the bright side: if you were born between 1980 and 2000, you’re likely to have knowledge of these five important words. Kale (noun): A green, leafy vegetable. Did anyone […]


The Death of Journalism

Tejas Joshi The Athenian separates the myths from the facts regarding the “death of journalism.”   Myth Fact Most Americans are not willing to pay for print content due to the availability of free online news. Most Americans are not willing to pay for print content due to the availability […]


Student Thinks Within the Possible, Suspended

Staff Reporter At Case Western Reserve University, our motto is “Think Beyond the Possible.” Here, students prepare for the real world by learning to tackle their problems from multiple directions. Any direction you can think of, and even a few that aren’t humanly possible yet, is encouraged by faculty members. […]

Group Member’s Web of Lies Exposed

David Pendergast CLEVELAND, OH—Three classmates foiled an attempt to evade group-work duties on Thursday, Oct. 8, accusing group member Rachel of not doing her fair share of the project. According to one of the whistleblowers, she “used lies, half-truths and manipulations to get away with doing hardly any work at […]