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Issue 93

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The Danger of Generalizations: Separating Racism and Affirmative Action

Pensive Mike, Blogger If you’ve been following my blog pieces, you know that here at CWRU the new need-aware admissions policy has roused debate on one familiar and often hotly contested policy: affirmative action. With the disputes come assumptions. Proponents of affirmative action too often brand their opponents as ignorant […]

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Grapple with these CWRU ethical dilemmas

Steve Kerby “The unexamined life is not worth living,” quipped Socrates right before he was sentenced to die for corrupting the youth. Here at CWRU, we’ve got it all in spades; unexamined lives, plenty of things that aren’t worth living for, being sentenced to debt and corrupted youth. Try these […]

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Five industries that millennials haven’t killed

Alaina Lisanti You’ve heard it all. The cereal industry. Soap. Even fashion itself. What haven’t millennials slaughtered in cold blood? Well, here are some industries clinging to life in this generation: The Pokémon franchise: It’s hard for millennials to kill an industry they grew up on, and you may not […]

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Pluto Is A Non-Binary Planet, They Say

Ruth Johnson After the recent “planet or dwarf planet” controversy surrounding Pluto, the small celestial body announced today in a press conference that they identify as a non-binary planet. In addition, they pronounced themselves “planetqueer” and further asserted the equality of all planets, regardless of planetary distinctions. When making the […]

Millions to Leave Country if Trump is Elected

Paul Palumbo 56.4 percent of all Americans would consider leaving the country if Donald J. Trump was elected president, a new study from the Center of Mass Human Migration finds. Even more shocking, 30.1 percent of citizens have already planned their route and destination and are now merely waiting for […]

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New study finds that most Miranda rights can’t be heard over gunshots

Nancy R. Adams ATLANTA, GA—According to a new study from Emory University, Miranda warnings, traditionally read by police upon suspect arrest, likely cannot be heard over the ringing sound of gunshots. Lead researcher James DiSantes claimed that suspects are usually too busy watching their life’s summary pass before their eyes […]

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Blue Collar

Jessica Chalas Hoping to buy your own exclusive Case Western Reserve University blue button-down? The Athenian is here to report that you just missed your chance. The last blue-collar shirt was purchased today for three times its original price by Arnold Nigel Sinclair III, president of CWRU’s golf club and […]

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Clinton’s unveils new tactic to win millennial votes

Riddhi Patel Running for president is hard. That is a statement we can all agree wtih. It is time-consuming, emotionally draining and stressful. Running for president also means you have to inspire people to vote. That can be extra hard when appealing to the 18-29 age demographic. In the 2012 […]

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Is it a Real Name for Marijuana or a Fake Name for Margarine?

Mary Johnson How well do you know your cannabinoids? See if you can tell the difference between these fake butter substitutes and street names for weed. Dairy Jane Dank Butter “I Can’t Believe it’s not Ganga!” Colorado’s Cream Margarine-ly Butter Cannabis Sativa Toast Coat Butter than Average ACME Co. Original […]

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Condiment of a Continent

Caroline Broady America’s blood runs red. Red as the artificial coloring in strawberry milkshakes. Red as the stitching on baseballs and Cincinnati’s team. Red as the stop signs at every intersection. Red as the juices seeping out of McBurgers. Most importantly, red as our nation’s favorite vegetable: ketchup. Binding together […]

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Exercising My First Amendment Rights

Caroline Broady Lately I have been feeling that something has been missing in my life. With the new year just around the corner, now is as good a time as to commit myself to a spiritual awakening. So when a missionary from 121 Fitness asked me if I was ready […]

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Scientists Reveal the Shocking Underlying Cause of Global Warming

Erin Hartmann HANOVER, NH—After decades of research on the causes of global warming and the resulting crisis that humans and polar bears across the globe may face, a groundbreaking discovery points all fingers to God Almighty. The lead researcher’s work was inspired by naysayers, like presidential candidate Donald Trump, who […]

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Merrick Garland getting a good vibe about new job opening

David Pendergast WASHINGTON, DC—Hardly able to contain his excitement as he imagines serving on the United States’ highest court, federal judge and Supreme Court nominee Merrick Garland reports having a “good feeling” about landing a job at the prestigious institution. “I have great credentials, having served on the D.C. Circuit […]

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Jill Stein has less impact on the election than CWRU students

Climax Dynamo As we near the November election, many may be trying to decide between an angry troll doll with tiny hands and a dying robot that leaks dishonesty. If you found yourself in this situation, you’re out of luck. In this election, like many, there really are no other […]