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Issue 93

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We’re Sorry: A Letter from the NSA

Dear America, We’d like to sincerely apologize for spying on every last one of you without permission. The NSA’s surveillance began as a way to make America safer, but it went too far. And it especially went too far once we began reading your terrible, terrible texts out loud during […]

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Canadians investigate former congressmen’s Snapchat habits

Oksinav Aizatsana Baffled by American politics’ slide into the realm of reality television, a Canadian think tank recently investigated possible links between American congressmen that would reveal the cause of America’s political deterioration. The think tank discovered that amongst congressmen who retired early, Snapchat was the most commonly downloaded app. […]

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Bayer-Monsanto merger paves road for the future

Sabanrab Bocaj (probably a business journalist) After months of wooing, Bayer AG has successfully convinced Monsanto Company to go steady. The major American seed and pesticide producer played hard to get, turning down several proposals from the German chemical and pharmaceutical powerhouse before accepting an offer of love and devotion […]

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Editor’s Note

Tejas Joshi As I strode into The Athenian office, the nine people inside jolted from their chairs and panickedly swept all the papers lying in front of them to the ground. “What’s going on here?” I queried Anastazia, who appeared to be tugging fruitlessly at some kind of fake mustache. […]