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Editor's Note

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Editor’s Note

Dear Readers, Thank you for taking the time to read our centennial issue of The Athenian: The Undergraduate Humor Journal of Case Western Reserve University. The Athenian is a completely peer-reviewed journal and was founded to promote undergraduate involvement in research and the publication process. As a result, by taking […]

Need-aware policy shocks critics

Steve Kerby In an astonishing turn of events, the controversial need-aware policy enacted by the administration of Case Western Reserve University has been met with widespread approval. Erstwhile critics of the policy stopped shouting at a press conference on Oct. 27, shocked as several new details of the policy were […]

The Deceitful Tradition

Justo Karell Sources Recommend Parents take extra measures to keep new generation of kids believing in Santa Claus. It’s getting close to the most wonderful time of the year again. The time of wonderful, joyous sensations—spicy scents of nutmeg, clove and a fresh pine Christmas tree, the warmth of an […]

U.S. Ranked Best in World for Subway System

Tejas Joshi ANAHEIM, CA—For the fourth consecutive year in a row, the International Tourism Board (ITB) ranked the U.S. as the country with the greatest Subway system in the world. The report cited metrics such as friendliness of employees and cleanliness as those in which the United States handily outperformed […]

Corrections: Student Life

We apologize for an article on Friday about the recently departed sorority Kappa Alpha Sigma, which stated that their house would be closed on Dec. 2, after which they would be dearly missed. Our sources confirmed they would not be missed. We also apologize for our correction in the previous […]

CWRU is #2 in the nation for Athenian readers

Erin Hartmann Columbus, Ohio—A recent poll of college students in Ohio has revealed that, amongst the number of undergraduate students that read Case Western Reserve University’s coveted Athenian magazine, the greatest number of readers are Ohio State University students and not, in fact, CWRU students. While it may seem reasonable […]

New physics professor causes big buzz on campus

Letty Dornfeld This semester, Case Western Reserve University welcomed Dr. Coleman Greg, a professor from New York City who specializes in gravitational waves. The Department of Physics was overjoyed to include an expert on gravitational waves in their team, and students got to know him for the first time when […]

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How To Get To Third Base

Harald Gormsson Head northeast on Euclid Avenue towards Mayfield Road. Make a U-Turn on Mayfield Road. Turn right onto MLK Jr Drive. Continue onto Chester Avenue. Turn right to merge onto I-90 W towards I-77. Use the right two lanes to take the Interstate 77 S exit towards Akron. Continue […]

Food marketing finds ways to increase product prices

Jessica Chalas The FDA recently approved the introduction of gluten-free apples, broccoli florets, turkey slices and rice puffs in grocery stores near you. They report their continued dedication to the production of gluten-free items, as well as their goal to have all fruits, vegetables, nuts and meats labeled gluten-free by […]

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Abbreviations you thought you knew

Jessica Chalas ARA (American Rental Association) – Association of Redundant Associations CDC (Centers for Disease Control and Prevention) – Confiscating Decidedly Contaminated things CIA (Central Intelligence Agency) – Clinically Insane Assassins CWRU (Case Western Reserve University) – Crying With Remorseless Unhappiness FBI (Federal Bureau of Investigation)- Fattening Breakfast Initiative (an […]

A Heuristic Analysis of the Binary Walkway

Peter Huett Daez*, Ph.D., Saloni Langer, Ph.D., Barnabas Brennan** * Case Western Reserve University, Department of Computer Science. ** This author contributed only minor work to this research. ABSTRACT The meaning of the Binary Walkway is a topic of much debate. It became necessary to take an heuristic approach to […]

CWRU Deceives Prospies

Sabanrab Bocaj Current students at Case Western Reserve University have probably noticed the influx of prospective students and the continual campus tours for them and their families. Every walkway is almost constantly filled with varying group sizes lead by a backwards-walking tour guide commenting on all the best places to […]