Issue 95
Apocalypse happens, Case Bubble shelters students
Oksinav Aizatasan The Case Bubble is well known for its ability to keep Case Western Reserve University students from knowing that Cleveland consists of more than Uptown, Little Italy and hospitals. Lesser known is its ability to hide current events from the students it encloses. As a result, when the […]
Lesser Known Iran Deals
Iran oil sanctions lifted. US and Sun energy relations are tense. IND finalized in riveting game of rock paper scissors. U.S. won best of three. Iranian visas only awarded to Ivanka Trump Instagram followers. Iranian bakeries resolve to switch to white cake following “yellow cake” ban.
New study suggests universe, your mom will expand forever
David Pendergast LOS ANGELES, CA-During a Friday press conference, UCLA researchers revealed new data that lends support to the long-unconfirmed theory that the ultimate fate of the universe is to expand indefinitely. The research suggests that, just like your mom, our universe will continue to balloon in size with no […]
Tweet reveals nuclear codes
Paul Palumbo It’s no secret that President Donald Trump likes a good tweet. Whether it’s reassuring the people, deriding his opponents or even his opinion on if Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart should get back together (he sent 12 about that last one.). However, it’s recently come to light that Trump […]
Atlas drops the world, shrugs it off
Paul Palumbo It’s well known that, despite all logic and physics pointing to the contrary, the world is held in place by a giant bodybuilder with minimal clothing and an equally minimal social life. The Titan, known as Atlas, has ensured the safety of our planet for thousands of years. His […]
CWRU puns
Charles Li When I can’t print, I WEPA. I Tink I sometimes get Vealey confused. Wade, are Euclid’ing me Fribelieving in extra credit? Everyone was under the weather through Sicksacker corridor. He Sears-iously wanted me to study in the computer lab, but I ig-Nord him. It’s “Thwing-kle Thwing-kle little star” […]
Airbnb capitalizes on climate change
Daniel Kessler It turns out that some people actually believed the egghead scientists that used to spout off about climate change and other mystic nonsense. While the classic spring break locales such as Mexico, Florida and Puerto Rico no longer support any form of life, entrepreneurs have capitalized on the […]
Inside the GOP’s repeal and replace tactics
Steve Kerby After Obamacare started bestowing life saving insurance coverage on millions of Americans, the Republican Party swore to repeal and replace it, claiming that it would cost too much, interfere with the free market and save the lives of too many Americans who wouldn’t vote Republican. Though the GOP […]
Linguistics professors reach shocking consensus on pronunciation of CWRU
Karol Kalinski In this week’s edition of The Daily, Professor Trey Kia of the Case Western Reserve University Cognitive Linguistics department issued a public announcement on the pronunciation of the letters used to abbreviate the university’s name. “After many months of research, we can now conclusively say that CWRU cannot, […]
Community man finds printing, shipping services at Kenko to be severely inadequate
Karol Kalinski A University Circle resident has filed a complaint to Kenko management, claiming to be “incredibly dissatisfied with the service offered.” The customer, who has chosen to remain anonymous, visited the establishment last week with an urgent printing job. “I came in, really needing to print some flyers and […]
New CWRU majors
Tejas Joshi English for medical professionals Medicine for english professionals Cosmetology for cosmologists Entomology for etymologists Anthropology for solipsists Accounting for the worst Computer science
Editors Note
Tejas Joshi The end came, not with a bang, but with a buzz. In The Athenian office, we were happily engaged in our usual activities. JP was carefully embroidering matching scarfs for the staff while Ashley was hacking The Observer’s computer to add typos. The rest of the staff encircled […]
Things ISIS has taken credit for this year
Erin Hartmann EVERYWHERE, America—The past few years have been plagued by many notorious terror attacks across the world. Following is the list of lesser known things that the Islamic State has taken credit for this year: Kim Kardashian’s Paris robbery Flint, Michigan’s water disaster Drought in California The demise of […]
Things the apocalypse could not stop
Erin Hartmann EL PASO, Texas–The majority of the world’s population has experienced chaos since the black plague returned, but not everything has been disheveled by the rampant spread of disease. Things unwavered by the apocalypse include: Twitter trolls, who will continue to point out your hypocrisy even as […]