Issue 96

NIH grants $2 million to study if weekday brunch is possible
Oksinav Aizatsana The National Institute of Health has just approved a $2 million grant funding a new study that will answer the question that occupies everybody’s mind before mid-afternoon Monday through Friday: Is weekday brunch a viable social outing for people with nothing going on before 1 p.m.? Researchers hypothesize […]

Bregg-xit: Brunch votes to leave lunch
Paul Palumbo After a surprising upset, Brunch has officially decided to end its involvement with Lunch. This shocking development came after months of Eggs and Bacon complaining that Lunch didn’t take their needs seriously enough. Ham and Apples tried their hardest to appease the fuming food, but there was no […]

Things you can’t do at think[box]
Charles Li Find free parking Bribe the staff to do your project for you Call think[box] a Makerspace (It’s an “Innovation Center”) Spell “think[box]” capitalized and without brackets Think inside the box Not feel self-conscious while walking through Veale Return to campus without extreme vetting Counterfeit Case Cash Make your […]

Trump approves contentious pipe pipeline
WASHINGTON—Yesterday, President Donald Trump signed an executive order to build a massive pipeline through the western portion of the United States. The pipeline, set to be called the Piperloop, will extend from southern Washington to eastern Montana and deliver pipes to every pipe smoker in the western half of the […]

Neo-Nazi Group complains about misunderstandings
Steve Kerby CLEVELAND, OH—American Nazi Party (ANP) leaders have issued a short notice to the public to raise awareness of an increase in misunderstandings between Nazi Party members and the general public. With groups of ANP protesters taking to the streets to protest the new administration’s lack of racial cleansing, […]

Editor’s Note
Tejas Joshi Editor-in-Chief To understand how it all began, we need to start in the belly of the beast which, on this hot March morning, was the collective stomach of the entire Athenian executive board. We had congregated in Wade Oval, engaging in customary shenanigans in preparation for our weekly […]

Bring your work to kid day
Tejas Joshi WASHINGTON—On March 22, over 148 million American parents celebrated Bring Your Work to Kid Day nationwide. On this one day of the year when the nation’s child labor laws are lifted, participants explored diverse careers including politicians, teachers, engineers and nurses, among many more. Local firefighter Carolyn Lin […]