Issue 96
NIH grants $2 million to study if weekday brunch is possible
Oksinav Aizatsana The National Institute of Health has just approved a $2 million grant funding a new study that will answer the question that occupies everybody’s mind before mid-afternoon Monday … Read More “NIH grants $2 million to study if weekday brunch is possible”

Chipotle now does brunch
Paul Palumbo Late risers, rejoice. Chipotle has heard the desires of all college students who cry out in the late morning. Our prayers for a restaurant that will cater to … Read More “Chipotle now does brunch”
Bregg-xit: Brunch votes to leave lunch
Paul Palumbo After a surprising upset, Brunch has officially decided to end its involvement with Lunch. This shocking development came after months of Eggs and Bacon complaining that Lunch didn’t … Read More “Bregg-xit: Brunch votes to leave lunch”
Things you can’t do at think[box]
Charles Li Find free parking Bribe the staff to do your project for you Call think[box] a Makerspace (It’s an “Innovation Center”) Spell “think[box]” capitalized and without brackets Think inside … Read More “Things you can’t do at think[box]”
Trump approves contentious pipe pipeline
WASHINGTON—Yesterday, President Donald Trump signed an executive order to build a massive pipeline through the western portion of the United States. The pipeline, set to be called the Piperloop, will … Read More “Trump approves contentious pipe pipeline”

Reds go on strike, win first game
Eddie Kerekes CHICAGO— In a shocking turn of events, the Cincinnati Reds won their first game of the 2017 season while being on strike, defeating the reigning World Series champion Chicago … Read More “Reds go on strike, win first game”
Neo-Nazi Group complains about misunderstandings
Steve Kerby CLEVELAND, OH—American Nazi Party (ANP) leaders have issued a short notice to the public to raise awareness of an increase in misunderstandings between Nazi Party members and the … Read More “Neo-Nazi Group complains about misunderstandings”
Editor’s Note
Tejas Joshi Editor-in-Chief To understand how it all began, we need to start in the belly of the beast which, on this hot March morning, was the collective stomach of … Read More “Editor’s Note”
Bring your work to kid day
Tejas Joshi WASHINGTON—On March 22, over 148 million American parents celebrated Bring Your Work to Kid Day nationwide. On this one day of the year when the nation’s child labor … Read More “Bring your work to kid day”

Brunch plans put on back burner, ignite
Erin Hartmann NEW HAVEN, CT—Fifty-two-year-old Marie Sanders wakes up promptly at 8 a.m. as she always does on Sunday mornings. She hops out of bed and orders her daily Starbucks … Read More “Brunch plans put on back burner, ignite”

I like my eggs like I like my women
Henrietta Oeuf I like my eggs how like I like my women: Inanimate Imported Without E. coli Turned over Over easy Hot Three at a time Unfertilized