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Issue 96

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NIH grants $2 million to study if weekday brunch is possible

Oksinav Aizatsana The National Institute of Health has just approved a $2 million grant funding a new study that will answer the question that occupies everybody’s mind before mid-afternoon Monday through Friday: Is weekday brunch a viable social outing for people with nothing going on before 1 p.m.? Researchers hypothesize […]

Chipotle now does brunch

Paul Palumbo Late risers, rejoice. Chipotle has heard the desires of all college students who cry out in the late morning. Our prayers for a restaurant that will cater to our sleep schedule have been answered. Chipotle has officially announced its plans for a Special Brunch Menu™. While the news […]

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Bregg-xit: Brunch votes to leave lunch

Paul Palumbo After a surprising upset, Brunch has officially decided to end its involvement with Lunch. This shocking development came after months of Eggs and Bacon complaining that Lunch didn’t take their needs seriously enough. Ham and Apples tried their hardest to appease the fuming food, but there was no […]

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Things you can’t do at think[box]

Charles Li Find free parking Bribe the staff to do your project for you Call think[box] a Makerspace (It’s an “Innovation Center”) Spell “think[box]” capitalized and without brackets Think inside the box Not feel self-conscious while walking through Veale Return to campus without extreme vetting Counterfeit Case Cash Make your […]

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Trump approves contentious pipe pipeline

WASHINGTON—Yesterday, President Donald Trump signed an executive order to build a massive pipeline through the western portion of the United States. The pipeline, set to be called the Piperloop, will extend from southern Washington to eastern Montana and deliver pipes to every pipe smoker in the western half of the […]

Reds go on strike, win first game

Eddie Kerekes CHICAGO— In a shocking turn of events, the Cincinnati Reds won their first game of the 2017 season while being on strike, defeating the reigning World Series champion Chicago Cubs 3-0. It was hard to not notice the team was missing, as none of the people on the field […]

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Neo-Nazi Group complains about misunderstandings

Steve Kerby CLEVELAND, OH—American Nazi Party (ANP) leaders have issued a short notice to the public to raise awareness of an increase in misunderstandings between Nazi Party members and the general public. With groups of ANP protesters taking to the streets to protest the new administration’s lack of racial cleansing, […]

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Editor’s Note

Tejas Joshi Editor-in-Chief To understand how it all began, we need to start in the belly of the beast which, on this hot March morning, was the collective stomach of the entire Athenian executive board. We had congregated in Wade Oval, engaging in customary shenanigans in preparation for our weekly […]

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Bring your work to kid day

Tejas Joshi WASHINGTON—On March 22, over 148 million American parents celebrated Bring Your Work to Kid Day nationwide. On this one day of the year when the nation’s child labor laws are lifted, participants explored diverse careers including politicians, teachers, engineers and nurses, among many more. Local firefighter Carolyn Lin […]

Brunch plans put on back burner, ignite

Erin Hartmann NEW HAVEN, CT—Fifty-two-year-old Marie Sanders wakes up promptly at 8 a.m. as she always does on Sunday mornings. She hops out of bed and orders her daily Starbucks on the app, feeling a wave of dread for the upcoming “Ladies Over the Hill” book club meeting in the […]

I like my eggs like I like my women

Henrietta Oeuf I like my eggs how like I like my women: Inanimate Imported Without E. coli Turned over Over easy Hot Three at a time Unfertilized