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CWRU's humor magazine, est. 2000

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Issue 96

Author cwruathenianPosted on April 4, 2017No comment Issue 96

Issue 96

Author cwruathenianPosted on April 2, 2017No comment NIH grants $2 million to study if weekday brunch is possible

NIH grants $2 million to study if weekday brunch is possible

Oksinav Aizatsana The National Institute of Health has just approved a $2 million grant funding a new study that will answer the question that occupies everybody’s mind before mid-afternoon Monday … Read More “NIH grants $2 million to study if weekday brunch is possible”

Author cwruathenianPosted on April 2, 2017April 2, 2017No comment Chipotle now does brunch

Chipotle now does brunch

Paul Palumbo Late risers, rejoice. Chipotle has heard the desires of all college students who cry out in the late morning. Our prayers for a restaurant that will cater to … Read More “Chipotle now does brunch”

Author cwruathenianPosted on April 2, 2017April 2, 2017No comment Bregg-xit: Brunch votes to leave lunch

Bregg-xit: Brunch votes to leave lunch

Paul Palumbo After a surprising upset, Brunch has officially decided to end its involvement with Lunch. This shocking development came after months of Eggs and Bacon complaining that Lunch didn’t … Read More “Bregg-xit: Brunch votes to leave lunch”

Author cwruathenianPosted on April 2, 2017April 2, 2017No comment Things you can’t do at think[box]

Things you can’t do at think[box]

Charles Li Find free parking Bribe the staff to do your project for you Call think[box] a Makerspace (It’s an “Innovation Center”) Spell “think[box]” capitalized and without brackets Think inside … Read More “Things you can’t do at think[box]”

Author cwruathenianPosted on April 2, 2017April 2, 2017No comment Trump approves contentious pipe pipeline

Trump approves contentious pipe pipeline

WASHINGTON—Yesterday, President Donald Trump signed an executive order to build a massive pipeline through the western portion of the United States. The pipeline, set to be called the Piperloop, will … Read More “Trump approves contentious pipe pipeline”

Author cwruathenianPosted on April 2, 2017April 2, 2017No comment Reds go on strike, win first game

Reds go on strike, win first game

Eddie Kerekes CHICAGO— In a shocking turn of events, the Cincinnati Reds won their first game of the 2017 season while being on strike, defeating the reigning World Series champion Chicago … Read More “Reds go on strike, win first game”

Author cwruathenianPosted on April 2, 2017April 2, 2017No comment Neo-Nazi Group complains about misunderstandings

Neo-Nazi Group complains about misunderstandings

Steve Kerby CLEVELAND, OH—American Nazi Party (ANP) leaders have issued a short notice to the public to raise awareness of an increase in misunderstandings between Nazi Party members and the … Read More “Neo-Nazi Group complains about misunderstandings”

Author cwruathenianPosted on April 1, 2017April 2, 2017No comment Editor’s Note

Editor’s Note

Tejas Joshi Editor-in-Chief To understand how it all began, we need to start in the belly of the beast which, on this hot March morning, was the collective stomach of … Read More “Editor’s Note”

Author cwruathenianPosted on April 1, 2017April 2, 2017No comment Bring your work to kid day

Bring your work to kid day

Tejas Joshi WASHINGTON—On March 22, over 148 million American parents celebrated Bring Your Work to Kid Day nationwide. On this one day of the year when the nation’s child labor … Read More “Bring your work to kid day”

Author cwruathenianPosted on April 1, 2017April 2, 2017No comment Brunch plans put on back burner, ignite

Brunch plans put on back burner, ignite

Erin Hartmann NEW HAVEN, CT—Fifty-two-year-old Marie Sanders wakes up promptly at 8 a.m. as she always does on Sunday mornings. She hops out of bed and orders her daily Starbucks … Read More “Brunch plans put on back burner, ignite”

Author cwruathenianPosted on March 28, 2017April 2, 2017No comment I like my eggs like I like my women

I like my eggs like I like my women

Henrietta Oeuf I like my eggs how like I like my women: Inanimate Imported Without E. coli Turned over Over easy Hot Three at a time Unfertilized

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