Reported by Ellie Rambo
This month, the first combination Chick-Fil-A and Barilla restaurant will open its doors to the homophobic chicken-eating masses. The two companies teamed up because, in the words of one CEO, “we deserve each other.”
The new blended chain will serve bigotry alongside chicken and pasta dishes. The menu will feature Bigotoni Pasta™ served in a (Gay) Chicken (Is a Gateway Game) ™ alfredo sauce, and Chick-Fil-A has replaced waffle fries not with curly fries, but with Super Straight-Cut Fries™. A few new sauces were also introduced, including God-Lovin’ Gravy™ and Prejudice Pesto™.
Although the restaurant has not yet opened, a line of customers is already camped out in front of the store. Many of them hope to be one of the first one hundred customers, as each of these dedicated fans will win free food for the lifespan of his or her current heterosexual relationship.
“We are on the front lines of this cultural war,” said a company spokesperson in an official release. “We want to encourage people in traditional relationships to stay on the path of righteousness and free fast food.”
Children under the age of twelve will receive a free meal if they sign a contract promising “to never engage in homosexual activities.”
Customer Patty Robertson described the chain’s prejudice as “inspirational.”
“They really understand the American way,” said Robertson. “I and many other Americans have strong beliefs about what other people should be doing in their personal lives, and these companies understand that. I know in my heart that our great country’s salvation lies in Italian fast food.”
Not everyone was as excited about this alliance of assholes . Many gay rights groups have encouraged people to boycott the combination restaurant, and a prominent activist has called it “the worst business since Hobby Lobby.”
“It’s almost unnecessary to denounce this restaurant,” said the activist, “as they are so obviously filled with vitriolic hatred. I predict that they will do a good enough job making themselves look bad without our help.”
In response to this backlash Barilla’s CEO said that people were overreacting. “The Barilla Company supports a classic family,” he said. “We do not denounce your way of life, unless, of course, it is wrong.”
Chick-Fil-A’s CEO was also unapologetic. “We’re just serving good American food—uh, that is, Italian-American food—to good Americans with good American values. There’s nothing to be ashamed of in that. And besides, who doesn’t like a delicious homophobe-cooked meal?”