Chipotle now does brunch

Paul Palumbo

Late risers, rejoice. Chipotle has heard the desires of all college students who cry out in the late morning. Our prayers for a restaurant that will cater to our sleep schedule have been answered. Chipotle has officially announced its plans for a Special Brunch Menu™.

While the news is appreciated, the announcement itself comes with a few questions. Does Chipotle even do breakfast? Why this radical shift in direction? Do people still go to Chipotle? And what kind of immune system do those people have? The statement, thankfully, answered these questions.

It read: “We are proud to announce our new Special Brunch Menu™. We here at Chipotle are hoping that a brunch menu will help us win back some of the customers who left when certain things happened. Things our investors have legally forbidden us from mentioning. The new Special Brunch Menu™ brings early afternoon snacking to Chipotle. For the Special Brunch Menu™, we will be opening a whole half an hour earlier on Sundays. We hope to see you there!”

When asked what the Special Brunch Menu™ will include, a Chipotle representative stated, “It’s all there in the announcement. We’ll be opening earlier on Sundays to appeal to the brunch crowd.”

Our follow-up question asking if the Special Brunch Menu™ will add any items to the actual menu itself was met with a blank, confused stare.

The representative asked, “What, do you want us to serve eggs or something?”

There you have it, folks. “Hipotle” is jumping on the brunch bandwagon with absolutely no idea of what brunch actually means. Stayed tuned for the new special from Dynomite, “Burgers Exactly at 2:06 a.m. and No Other Time.”

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