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Classic reviews: “Star Wars IV: A New Hope”

Paul Palumbo
Moviephile

The story begins with this young guy complaining about something, as tends to happen in movies. I actually missed this part since I was still in line getting popcorn, but the guy sitting next to me whispered that the kid was saying things like, “Be quiet,” and, “Dude, shut up. I’m trying to watch the movie.”

Eventually this kid, Duke, accidentally gets lost in the Sahara desert looking for his dog, Artoo. He went searching along with his insanely shiny-skinned friend, but got attacked by the desert mafia. That’s when desert Santa Claus showed up and saved everybody with the power of Desert Christmas.

Santa talks about some wars and hands Duke a magical light sword. Personally, this reviewer found it a little rude to just steal that weapon straight from the movie starring the cool blue guy with the jetpack, but this movie doesn’t seem to be very high production anyways so I doubt they’d care. Santa, Duke, Shiny and a rolling garbage can (lovingly named Artoo after the dog they couldn’t find) drive to San Diego to find somebody to take them “off world.” I assumed this had something to do with drugs. They keep seeing all these guys in white armor, who look like bad guys because I can’t see their faces. They meet Hans Olo and his morbidly hairy friend Chooy at a local bar, and persuade them to take them “off world.” Hans and Chooy then take them into their spaceship and fly off of the planet. To me, this twist seemed like a huge shift in genre, and I found it very confusing.

Meanwhile, Robot Death is threatening a princess inside a prison, which I later learn is in space. This seemed really boring, so I took this opportunity to go to the bathroom. When I came back, the princess was crying at some space dust. I think it was really beautiful space dust or something. I don’t know.

Anyway. Hans, Chooy, Duke, Santa and Artoo fly their way to the moon, which is made of metal instead of cheese for some reason. There are more of those white armor guys inside, and so is Robot Death. Santa senses the presence of some naughty children once they land inside the moon and disappears for a while, while the Duke and Hans kill some guys and take their armor, a movie cliché way past being overdone. Seriously, this isn’t the 1970’s guys, do something original. Hans and Duke save the princess, and are at the ship ready to leave when they see Santa and Robot Death fighting with light swords. At this point Santa lets himself be light sworded to death, which makes no sense at all. Everybody else flies out of the moon.

Duke mopes about for a bit while Hans drives them to another planet. Faster-than-light travel hasn’t even been invented yet, so this movie is clearly just making things up. There’s a whole bright orange army at this new planet, which wants to destroy the “Death Star,” something that hasn’t even been mentioned in this movie until now. Basically they’re just adding random goals to pad out the length of this movie. Then half of them fly ships around the moon and then blow it up, which I’m sure will cause hellish tides back on Earth. Robot Death flies into space, which, judging by what I saw in “Gravity,” is not a good thing. After the moon explodes, Duke and Hans gets some medals and that’s the end.

Overall, I found this movie to be all over the place in terms of story and tone. It starts in the deserts on Earth, then to San Diego, then SPACE, and then another planet. Things get added and removed so often nothing is really important. The characters are boring and one-dimensional, the science is made up, and the effects look like they were made in the early 80’s. Hans Olo is cool though, and he’s practically the only reason to watch this movie.

Final Score: 1.5 out of 5

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