CLEVELAND, OH – In what has already been a surprisingly aggressive offseason for the team, the Cleveland Indians have made another move. The club announced Wednesday that they intend to sign Pablo Sanchez, a fictional character from the popular video game Backyard Baseball.
Sanchez, nicknamed “Secret Weapon,” has 4/4 baseballs in batting, 4/4 in running, 4/4 in fielding, and 3/4 in pitching, easily making him the best player in the Backyard league. He hardly ever needs a juice box when pitching, and a nice Spanish flamenco theme comes on when he’s batting.
“We think Pablo is a great addition to this team,” said general manager Chris Antonetti. “He has natural leadership and athletic ability, and we don’t think other teams will expect it, since he’s computer-animated and about eight years old.”
Manager Terry Francona was glad to hear the news. “I’m really excited to meet Pablo and have him here in the clubhouse,” said Francona. “He’s a guy who can bring back a spark due to his youth. Also, he’s bilingual, so that’ll help out, I think, as well. I still haven’t been able to communicate with Carlos Santana, Asdrubal Cabrera, or half my pitchers.”
Sanchez broke into the Backyard Baseball league in 1997, the first year of its existence. He racked up all-star caliber stats for users everywhere, with plenty of home runs hit and strikeouts thrown. Sanchez made the leap to the Backyard Sports: Sandlot Sluggers game in 2010.
“Listen here, slick, they made the right decision,” said Sanchez’s former teammate Tony Delvecchio, who winked a lot and sucked on a lollipop while being interviewed. “but let me tell ya, I’m the best, you hear me? The best.”
“We’ve made a lot of great moves, but that doesn’t mean we’re necessarily done yet,” added Antonetti. The club is rumored to be in talks with Big Bird and Sylvester Stallone.
Before he can actually play, Sanchez must first pass a virtual physical to be added to the team’s roster for spring training.