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Cleveland to Host Olympics

By Kameron Moon

As the 2015 Canadian Winter Olympics came to a close, athletes and journalists packed up and unceremoniously exited the rooms of their perfectly functional hotels and took forlorn glances at the completed Olympic parks. The games themselves went smoothly and the facilities were top-notch, but the smoothness of it all, the ease of being a part of the games and the pristine plastic appearance of everything made the games lack something.
Much like going on ‘vacation’ to a manicured and manufactured resort-hotel, the whole spectacle lacked a certain tangible character.
“It was kind of mediocre, you know,” said Jamey Jewells, star of the Nova Scotia Wheelchair Basketball Team. “I mean, yeah, it was nice, but the Sochi Olympics had so many more events, like watching the backhoe races, and the ‘My hotel door handle broke off in my hand challenge.’ Those were really fun!”
Now that the games are over, cities are tossing in their names in hope that they can win the bid of the 2022 Olympics on the promise of rampant mismanagement, ability to create potholes in brand new pavement and a high number of missing manhole covers. Most importantly, the committee choosing cities for the event is focusing on each city’s ability to put a bit more ‘Sochi Spice’ into the normal and everyday proceedings of their Olympic games.
Now encouraged by a metric where the city can truly shine, Cleveland is considering tossing their name in the 2022 Olympic bid with the hope of building the Olympic park right on the shores of the pristine Cuyahoga River. The concept art for the park already features a beautiful and certainly not long abandoned rail drawbridge and a steel mill that just happens to be closed right now in the background. “Completed projects are bad business,” said Jim “Jimmy-Dee” Dee, grouchy local highway construction foreman. “I’m hoping the games come here. I’ll be darn sure to not finish at least half of the park by the time the game rolls around. It’ll certainly be done eventually, maybe.”
Cleveland has lots of competition this go-around, however. Many of the world’s best grimy industrial centers are tossing in their names for hopes of showing the world how poorly they can slap together an Olympic park out of schedule and under budget. The biggest competition so far is coming from Pyongyang, North Korea, the world leader in unfinished hotel construction. In addition to asking the bidding cities to submit their construction plans, which will be meticulously half-completed by the time the games roll around, the International Olympic Committee (IOC) is also asking the cities to propose a few more city-specific events to compliment the games to be held near the Olympic parks.
A number of games specific to Cleveland are being workshopped by the Mayor’s office, such as the “Don’t Set the River on Fire” Ring Toss, the “Find a Parking Space In Little Italy on a Snowy Saturday Afternoon Challenge,” the “Dodge the Potholes Run”, the “Buy a House for the Price of a VCR” Race, and finally a new challenge called “Sightseeing.”
As the time to pick a city draws near, the IOC will have many bidders to select from. However, what the judging really comes down to is who has the most grandiose and extravagant ideas backed by the skudgiest construction contractors.
Sure, any city can make empty promises of creating an Olympic village and not finishing it, but it takes an appreciable level of skill to have everything completed just enough that the games can continue while the fun of being uncompleted and massively over budget can still be had. Just imagine the disaster the games would be if, for example, everything was accidentally completed on time. It would be horrible!
Is the ‘Mistake On The Lake’ up to the challenge? Of course we are! We have been world champs of ongoing construction since 1868, so we’ve got this one in the bag for sure.

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